this post was submitted on 23 Apr 2022
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menby

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A space for masculine folks to talk about living under patriarchy.

Detoxing masculinity since 1990!

You don’t get points for feminism, feminism is expected.

Guidelines:

  1. Questions over blame
  2. Humility over pride
  3. Wisdom over dogma
  4. Actions over image

Rules (expansions on the guidelines):

  1. Mistakes should be learning experiences when possible.
    • Do not attack comrades displaying vulnerability for what they acknowledge are mistakes.
    • If you see good-faith behavior that's toxic, do your best to explain why it's toxic.
    • If you don't have the energy to engage, report and move on.
    • This includes past mistakes. If you've overcome extreme reactionary behavior, we'd love to know how.
    • A widened range of acceptable discussion means a greater need for sensitivity and patience for your comrades.
    • Examples:
      • "This is reactionary. Here's why."
      • "I know that {reality}, but I feel like {toxicity}"
      • "I don't understand why this is reactionary, but it feels like it {spoilered details}"
  2. You are not entitled to the emotional labor of others.
    • Constantly info-dumping and letting us sort through your psyche is not healthy for any of us.
    • If you feel a criticism of you is unfair, do not lash out.
    • If you can't engage self-critically, delete your post.
    • If you don't know how to phrase why it's unfair, say so.
  3. No singular masculine ideal.
    • This includes promoting gender-neutral traits like "courage" or "integrity" as "manly".
    • Suggestions for an individual to replace a toxic ideal is fine.
    • Don't reinforce the idea the fulfillment requires masculinity.
    • This also includes tendency struggle-sessions.
  4. No lifestyle content.
    • Post the picture of your new grill in !food (feminine people like grills too smh my head).
    • Post the picture of the fish you caught in !sports (feminine people like fish too smdh my damn head).
    • At best, stuff like this is off-topic. At worst, it's reinforcing genders norms..
    • If you're not trying to be seen as masculine for your lifestyle content, it's irrelevant to this comm. If you are trying to be seen as masculine, let's have a discussion about why these things are seen as masculine.

Resources:

*The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks

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I think I might be non-binary, but I don't even know where to start to figure that out. (hexbear.net)
submitted 2 years ago* (last edited 2 years ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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After shifting my understanding of gender to viewing it as a spectrum and not as a binary matter, I've grown more comfortable with my identity. But I'm having a tough time figuring out where I fit. I'm a dude, I guess. Like, I have a beard, my voice is on the deeper side, and I've always identified as one. But I've never liked having to fit a stereotypical male role. Living in a binary society, I've always been made fun of or ridiculed for being, "girly."

And that leads to the first part of my questions. How do I describe the masculine and feminine parts of my personality without being misogynistic? We want to break down gender stereotypes, but how do we talk about masculinity or femininity without being guilty of what we're trying to end?

I'm going to attempt to describe how I feel about my gender identity at the risk of reinforcing these ideas, but I'm coming from a place where I want to understand. So please correct me where appropriate.

I've had at least two dozen people in my life ask if I was or accuse me of being gay. I've had both men and women call me a little b**ch. My family has made fun of me because I don't like getting dirty or doing hard manual labor. This has caused a lot of pain for me over the years.

There's really nothing that masculine about me. I'm a petite and pretty delicate person. I don't have much arm or leg hair, and my hands are the size of a 13-year-old girl's. I have a strong sense of empathy and I'm very aware of my emotions.

I would much rather feel small and cute versus manly or handsome. When cuddling with someone, I like being the little spoon and feeling comforted and safe. I like more feminine body washes and deodorants. I'd like to take a stab at wearing mascara to accentuate my eyelashes, and foundation to have a more even-looking skintone.

Thinking about embracing my femininity makes me feel super cozy inside. I would LOVE to not have to live life as a "guy", where I'm expected to "man up", be tough, and crush down my emotions and sensitivity. After thinking about these things for the past few weeks, I've realized that I was at my most toxic behavior when I was trying to be what I thought a man was. Putting myself first at the expense of others, constantly having to find sexual conquests, trying to be the "man" in a hetero relationship. It just isn't me, and it's not a good way to live.

So, I don't know if I'm non-binary, or if I'm just a feminine man. I really don't think I fit into the male gender box, but I'm positive that I'm not a female. Am I NB, or am I just looking for a way to justify being a soft and gentle man? I could use some advice and I'd love to hear from other AMABs who've realized they were NB.

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