this post was submitted on 01 Jun 2022
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A space for masculine folks to talk about living under patriarchy.

Detoxing masculinity since 1990!

You don’t get points for feminism, feminism is expected.

Guidelines:

  1. Questions over blame
  2. Humility over pride
  3. Wisdom over dogma
  4. Actions over image

Rules (expansions on the guidelines):

  1. Mistakes should be learning experiences when possible.
    • Do not attack comrades displaying vulnerability for what they acknowledge are mistakes.
    • If you see good-faith behavior that's toxic, do your best to explain why it's toxic.
    • If you don't have the energy to engage, report and move on.
    • This includes past mistakes. If you've overcome extreme reactionary behavior, we'd love to know how.
    • A widened range of acceptable discussion means a greater need for sensitivity and patience for your comrades.
    • Examples:
      • "This is reactionary. Here's why."
      • "I know that {reality}, but I feel like {toxicity}"
      • "I don't understand why this is reactionary, but it feels like it {spoilered details}"
  2. You are not entitled to the emotional labor of others.
    • Constantly info-dumping and letting us sort through your psyche is not healthy for any of us.
    • If you feel a criticism of you is unfair, do not lash out.
    • If you can't engage self-critically, delete your post.
    • If you don't know how to phrase why it's unfair, say so.
  3. No singular masculine ideal.
    • This includes promoting gender-neutral traits like "courage" or "integrity" as "manly".
    • Suggestions for an individual to replace a toxic ideal is fine.
    • Don't reinforce the idea the fulfillment requires masculinity.
    • This also includes tendency struggle-sessions.
  4. No lifestyle content.
    • Post the picture of your new grill in !food (feminine people like grills too smh my head).
    • Post the picture of the fish you caught in !sports (feminine people like fish too smdh my damn head).
    • At best, stuff like this is off-topic. At worst, it's reinforcing genders norms..
    • If you're not trying to be seen as masculine for your lifestyle content, it's irrelevant to this comm. If you are trying to be seen as masculine, let's have a discussion about why these things are seen as masculine.

Resources:

*The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks

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On Overcoming the Emotional Damage Caused by Capitalism and the Patriarchy (hexbear.net)
submitted 2 years ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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So @Lilith recently had a good shitpost on the emotional stunting men experience under the patriarchy.

Most days I would laugh and scroll on by, but today I really felt it and wanted to perhaps start a discussion. As a straight, cis male who has recently started seeing someone, I have noticed a lot of the emotions seemingly ingrained by the patriarchy popping back up in recent days. I have felt possessiveness, jealousy, and fears of inadequacy (am I really good enough, or MAN enough, to be with this person?)

It seems like the patriarchy effects all men differently. I personally found it much easier to get over the immediate instinct towards rage rather than sadness or other emotions, but the feelings stated above have stuck with me despite my best efforts.

Some things I have wondered about when pondering this topic:

  • Can these deep seated feelings, whether they be rage or jealousy or anything else, ever go away entirely with effort? Is the best we can do to suppress them? If we do suppress them, is that not further playing into the patriarchal push to suppress emotions?  Is this a contradiction that can only be solved with the liquidation of the patriarchy?
  • How can men, while still working through these emotions, still be the best possible allies to women and enby folks?
  • In a similar vein, what can we do as men to hold other men accountable for these attitudes? Obviously we can call out blatant misogyny, but more deep seated attitudes can be harder to detect.

Some things I've found that have helped and continue to help me deal with these deep seated attitudes:

  • Listen to women! This one is pretty obvious so I won't spend much time on it, but your female comrades will know better than you when you're doing harmful shit.
  • Read feminist theory. I'm currently reading Revolting Prostitutes and it's helping me to get over some attitudes towards sex work that I now realize were fairly reactionary. Theory works, and it's always helpful to have a better understanding of the world
  • Organize organize organize. Theory is useless without organization and vice versa. You will 1000% learn more about overcoming these attitudes through direct work with female comrades and within orgs working towards women's liberation than you will anywhere else.
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