this post was submitted on 11 Aug 2023
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Relationship Advice

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I (33m) struggle with thoughts about ex (34f) even though new partner (31f) much more compatible (lemmy.ml)
submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
6 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

Basically title...

Background I got out of a very long and desperately unhappy and demanding relationship about 2 years ago.

Been in therapy essentially the whole time working on various issues but crucially here getting to grips with my romantic intensity.

Never had issues with respecting boundaries, but I like everyone (romantically in a purely monogamous way), and tend to get really into the people I date.

I've been dating off and on, met some awesome people, didn't work out, but I'm on good terms with all even friends with quite a few so it's been good.

Short term ex Met this person just over 1yr ago, we saw each other a lot for about 3mths (I mean multiple times a week, looking after her puppy, lunch dates with her mum without the ex, intense).

She was always icy, never seemed interested, but would say yes to whatever activity if I asked and it didn't involve her planning or putting any sort of work in. For some reason this was like drugs to my brain and I fell hard.

Thankfully she randomly decided one Saturday to break up with me and I wouldn't fight it (which she didn't appreciate) so we went basically cold-turkey just under a year ago.

New relationship 2 months ago I met someone really great, she's actually putting in the work as well and it's going gangbusters. She's also incredibly pretty (I'm not bad looking but not on the same level), genuinely concerned about her eyesight.

Additionally she's constructive and genuinely into me (probably on a similar intensity level as me).

But I find myself thinking about the girl I saw a year ago increasingly often. Part of it is that I'm now concerned the relationship could end just randomly, and part of it is that it just seems easier - I don't have to always be the one asking and I can just enjoy some dates without the stress of planning everything.

And this is messing with my head and it's so frustrating.

TL;DR After a decade of dating women who expected everything done for them, I'm now potentially in a healthy relationship and struggling to keep my brain from thinking back to the "good old days".

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[–] [email protected] 34 points 1 year ago

Sounds like classic self sabotage to me, I’d trust the rational part of my brain on this one. Next time you find yourself dwelling on ex sit with the weird ex feelings and see if you can examine them with some level of objectivity and see if you can tell what emotions they’re bringing up (just to try to understand better). Make third party perspective observations to the drifting of your thoughts like “interesting that you keep revisiting this moment when she was fairly shitty most of the time…”

Monke brain is probably trying to protect you in its misguided fight or flight style. Gotta be understanding while recognizing that your rational self has a much better grasp of the real situation.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 1 year ago

I feel this, but I’m coming from a very different angle, having been out of a long term (10 years) relationship for almost a year now, and in therapy for several things since then.

When I find myself ruminating on my ex, wondering what’s she’s doing and/or sabotaging my drive to get out and meet new people, I find that it helps to think about why things ended and what I’ve been able to accomplish and feel good about since the split.

It provides some perspective about who I am as an individual, instead of only thinking of myself in the context of that relationship, and it sounds like you might be similar to me in that you invest heavily in a relationship to the point where that becomes a major part of your self identity, which spiraled into codependency.

I think what might be throwing you for a loop here is that this is sounds like an actual partnership (e.g. you don’t have to initiate everything), rather than a pursuit/job on your part to keep things going, which is unfamiliar territory.

I encourage you to keep working with your therapist on everything, and when you find yourself stuck in that type of thought spiral, take a mental step back and try to find what kicked off that train of thought so you can better manage your reaction to it in the future.

(Sorry if this is rambly/all over the place, on vacation and been drinking)

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

This is probably way out there, but you may have some undiscovered desires. Desires such as BDSM.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I know you're getting downvoted, but I appreciate your input, it's definitely different.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

That's pretty funny, considering it's one of the few times I'm not joking when mentioning these things.

I'd recommend looking up the driving factors behind a relationship that adopts bdsm. It's not all about wearing spiky latex gear and whipping a tied person. That's like thinking lgbt+ must mean a person is like a lead singer in Village People.

And going by your previous relationship, it looks to me that you appreciate being mistreated to a certain degree. Relationship role-playing is a common thing to do, we weren't all born to be a cliche in a romantic movie.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago

Sounds like you get bored when you have figured someone out, and this other girl you can't quite figure out, so you keep thinking about her.

But she is probably not even into you at all judging from her behavior.

All of this sound very much like girls who get tired of their too nice boyfriend where everything works but it's boring.