Update
Hi there. I'm blown away by the quality of responses I've received here. Throughout, there are some extremely useful perspectives on what might be going on and the underlying motivations that are leading to my behavior. My next logical step is to be mindful of the emotions that I'm feeling when I start to feel these reset behaviors, and to extend my awareness of them outside of just the example I shared below. The next logical step is to seek out a therapist or other sort of psychological support. I just want to thank those have commented and encourage users to keep conversations going between them. My interaction with this post will likely slow a lot as I contemplate and try to find a normal. For the curious, I resisted a strong urge to do a reset yesterday at work and instead of spending a couple hours doing that, I spent considerable time learning through some blind spots in a language I'm supposed to be an expert at. Thanks again to all of you.
While all comments were useful in one way or another, I was especially impacted by comments from IonAddis and Boozilla
Original Post
I'm struggling to find relevant information or shared experiences on this topic and I'm hoping that someone here can point me in the right direction. I seem to have always struggled with what I'm calling tech permanence. I define tech permanence as the ability to use some form of tech (either a phone, an operating system, a library, a package manager, etc.) for an extended period of time.
My issue is then that I struggle with maintaining long-term relationships with these technical aspects of my life and it's starting to affect my work and mental health. An example is likely the best way to describe this.
At least once a week I reinstall the operating system on my desktop computer at work because I can't seem to commit to Linux or Windows 11. I'm not distro hopping on the Linux side of things (always Debian 12).
I've identified a cycle where this behavior repeats:
- Get excited by something that is only available on Linux: this can be a specific software, but more often than not it is actually the file system itself. I love everything about it.
- Work on Linux for a couple of days: in this stage I'll painstakingly craft an environment that is needed for my work.
- ** Mental cry**: in this stage my mind will tell me that I'm just using Linux to use Linux and everything I want to do I can do on my MacBook or on Windows. I've seen this coupled with a bit of anxiety about not being able to use Microsoft products if requested (though I know there are a million work arounds).
- Searching for greener pastures: a stage in which I want to just use products that are more reliable, and honestly, just more pretty. This is the stage that perplexes me the most and often where the reinstall of my desktop to Windows occurs.
- Work on Windows for a couple of days: in this stage I set up my environment, do work for a couple of days, and then wonder why I don't just use Linux.
- Repeat: I repeat this cycle 1-2 times per week.
This can be mapped to phone operating systems too. An example is that I use an iOS device on a daily basis, but sometimes I'll go get a cheap Pixel just to throw GrapheneOS on, then to revert to Android, and then back to iOS.
I've tried pretty hard to search for relevant examples of this online, but I can't seem to find the right search terms for any of this. The closest I've seen is "object permanence" in the ADHD research, but I'm pretty cautious to start self-diagnosing as I'm not a professional.
Can anyone comment on this or point me to a more appropriate community?
I might use "Tech Permanence" to describe my exact opposite experience to yours.
I'm deeply invested in the Apple Ecosystem and find it both a benefit and a hinderance. There are so many things that Apple does great but, increasingly often, they change one seemingly small thing that can disrupt a workflow I've invested in for years. Specifically, I'm thinking about tweaks to Safari and the latest WatchOS UX change (causing me to ditch Apple Watch for the first time since it was initially launched).
So, that's to say there's a permanence to this technology in my life that I find difficult to shake off even when it's working against me.
What this is resulting in for me, over the past two years, is eliminating technology from my life where I can. I'm falling back to more analog and wired and simple things (ex., iPod, books, records) that aren't threatened with software updates or subscription price increases or just generally aren't bringing me joy ("smart speakers" can fuck right off).
How I would relate this to your situation is that I'd suggest we both have a maybe-unhealthy relationship with technology; bordering on an addiction. I was in my early twenties when things like the iMac and iPod and PalmPilot and Napster were new. This exciting world of gadgets and technology was incredibly addictive to me (and a welcome way for me to evade dealing with my insecurities and poor social skills). Although the debt I took on at a young age was problematic, I wouldn't change the experience. It's with this experience that, now in my mid-40s, I have a certain perspective about technology that I can share with others. I certainly would not have the job I have today had I not invested so much attention in these emerging technologies as a hobby.
We're the kind of people who have a relationship with technology that most others do not. As with all relationships, you need to be aware of its benefits and how it might be holding you back.
I'm not sure that changing your operating system every week is something that would generally be considered a "healthy" hobby, though it's not particularly unhealthy either. I mean, I say this as someone who was accessing Mac OS on a Palm Treo via VNC - it's fun shit!! As long as you're enjoying something and it's not detracting from other aspects of your life, including your mental health, I see no problem. However, if you're reaching out to others for help, it seems you've realized there's an issue and you need to reconsider this relationship.
I'd encourage you to consider taking steps to minimize your time with and reliance on tech and invest your attention in other (unplugged) things that might be more productive and less stress inducing in your life.
Technology, by its very nature, is always going to change. It's always going to have pros and cons. Personally, I've spent too much of my life trying to fit shiny new tools into my life that I didn't really need. The vast majority of these tools have been bought or killed or upgraded beyond recognition or accessibility. It can be disheartening, depressing, and disruptive.
New stuff is exciting. I get it. Dopamine addiction is real. But I think a lot of us would benefit by rejecting this addiction, this need for a jolt of newness every week or every five seconds (looking at you TikTokers), and consider how our whole lives, our future lives, are being affected by this addiction. Are you moving in the direction towards the person you'd like to be? If the answer is yes, then don't let any of what I'm saying discourage you. I would just suggest that you have a game plan in mind. Why are you doing this and how can you turn it into something more productive and less stress inducing?