I ended up opening up to ten books and reading them for a few days (going one by one by one and then back again, trying to repeat the process).
Then asked myself "What am I doing?"
I was trying to be productive now that I don't have a job, but I realized that I'm almost done with university and have an internship now; I'm already focused on those two things and was just trying to make up for "free time." I mean, what the hell... I didn't have to make myself "more productive" but here I am.
I also decided to stop another activity of mine that I was practicing 'cause, again, I felt I needed to do it rather than wanting to do it.
A YouTube video that inspired me was here, btw. But it wasn't the only inspiration. Just a creeping realization among other things.
In the end, I got overwhelmed and realized I didn't want to do... any of these things. There were only two books that I wanted to read immediately anyways and the rest I could save for later if I wanted to get to them. I told some friends and I now know someone who admitted to trying to read up to twenty (I'm guessing by going through each one and then back again each week). I'm not judging, but now I know how extreme things can get.
And here I was being against "required reading" (which I kinda still am as I believe, outside of a few classics and fundamental material, Marxists should read whatever the hell they want, and even then, I'm pretty lax about that rule).
Welp, that's all.
How are you all doing this week?
Oh! The Deprogram episode this week with Sisyphus 55 also talked about this this; neoliberalism has given us an obsessive and neurotic need to feel "productive" and constantly self improve towards an unobtainable "cruel optimist" future. Self-exploitation, in other words.
Then, sometimes, people arrive at these points and see the disconnect between their relentless productivity and their satisfaction. The Absurd.
Anyway, this week I realized I can't work more than 10 days in a row without having constant panic attacks every day. Nope nope nope, don't do that again.
Never watched (or listened to) it. I think the video that I watched (right here, which I recommend to everyone) kinda drove the point home though. Also, goddamn, was it absolutely absurd (as you aptly put it).
Frankly, I'm not sure what else to get rid of.
I got rid of "practicing drawing" 'cause I had no intention of ever practicing that other than to... improve my brain function or something (I read it all in a book about how it could do that and that's when I started, well, doing just that!).
I might get rid of writing, but eh, we'll see.
The truth is: this is only a minority of the activities I do and it's gotten just too damn overwhelming.
I like the concept of "resonance" that the video I linked above talks about.
I found a YouTube link in your comment. Here are links to the same video on alternative frontends that protect your privacy: