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How do you date? (beehaw.org)

submitted 9 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Recently had a conversation with a good friend about dating, and it had me curious about how everyone on Beehaw approaches dating. Tell me a bit about how you date! Here's a few prompts/thoughts I'm curious about:

How long does it take for you to know if you're attracted to someone (sexually, romantically, emotionally, shared interests, etc)?
What do you like to do when you date and does it change depending on how many dates you've been on or how well you know the person?
Once you start dating someone, how long does it take you to understand whether you want to date the person long term or whether it's not going to work out?
Do you only date people you meet in real life or do you use dating apps? How do you approach going from stranger to dating them?
What's most important in deciding whether you want to date someone? Do they need to have an interest in activities you enjoy, shared values, emotional intelligence, a certain kind of humor, or something else?
Is there something you don't understand about dating and want to share your frustration?

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago (1 children)

There are clear rules and patterns you follow. It’s kinda like a script with some improvisation in between.

As a relationship anarchist, I couldn't disagree more and it's a regular source of anxiety and tension for me because many people think this, yet differ so widely in what that script looks like. The classic low stakes example of this is when and where and how the first kiss should happen. The reality, though, is that it goes so much deeper. The unspoken rules can extend to things as simple as 'my partner should open doors for me' to 'unless my partner says otherwise we will spend every birthday and important holiday together' to 'my partner cannot be emotionally close with a members of the genders they are attracted to' and so much more. People often don't even consciously know what their needs and assumptions are and it can lead to fights over acceptable behavior or a waxing/waning of sexual and romantic interest. I've seen countless relationships fall apart over unwritten rules that neither side realized were rules or boundaries they wanted in the relationship!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

You only say that because you never dated me! lol

Just kidding.

But yeah, there are lots of unspoken rules for sure, but to be honest, when a potential partner fixates too much on that kinda thing I lose interest anyway. I don't wanna be with someone just because I tick their mental boxes as if I there was an invisible DnD character sheet for me in their head.

When I notice someone "plays games", I usually decide they're not for me. I call them whenever I feel like it, I send messages whenever I feel like it. I'm not looking at the calendar just to know when to call without looking "needy", because someone who would judge me for being "needy" is not someone I wanna be with. If I like someone, they'll know it.

I've been with women who clearly counted the days and followed rules for this and other stuff. It's exhausting.

When you asked about "dating" I thought you only meant first dates and such, long-term relationships are a different ball game. But I would say that in the stage I am in life, once a relationship starts "securing" the first year is kind of a given. Things tend to get harder after that.