this post was submitted on 25 Nov 2023
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Court rules Gabe Newell must appear in person to testify in Steam anti-trust lawsuit (www.pcgamer.com)
submitted 10 months ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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[–] [email protected] 176 points 9 months ago (4 children)

They get him on the stand and the judge says " so Mr Newell, remembering you are under oath, when is Half Life 3 being released?"

[–] [email protected] 57 points 9 months ago (3 children)

*Gabe starts gesturing to his lawyer to do something*

"Just answer the question."

[–] [email protected] 43 points 9 months ago (1 children)

I mean the simple response from the lawyer is, "Objection, relevance," and the question gets tossed out.

I demand accuracy in my jokes, even if it kills them.

[–] [email protected] 37 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

"Objection, relevance?"

"Public interest."

(Though in my joke I meant his lawyer, instead of objecting, would entreat his client to answer the question)

[–] [email protected] 20 points 9 months ago (3 children)

Ah, I understand now. [MODIFYING JOKE MATRIX TO ACCOMMODATE NEW INFORMATION]

"Your honor, I need to fire my lawyer."

"Mr Newell, no competent lawyer in this country would defend you on this point. If you do not answer the question I will hold you in contempt."

[–] [email protected] 12 points 9 months ago (1 children)

“Bailiff, seize him.”

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago) (1 children)

*Half Life 3 drops from his pocket*

"THAT'S NOT MINE"

[–] [email protected] 4 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

“It’s actually all of yours. Check you computers, they all have Half Life 3 installed.”

Gabe puts on a top hat, pulls out an umbrella and floats away.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

This is how we win

[–] [email protected] 2 points 9 months ago

Lmao this is great

[–] [email protected] 37 points 9 months ago* (last edited 9 months ago)

Gaben will then slowly drop his head and whisper into the microphone with a wry chuckle - "You fool. You have just activated my trap card."

Immediately, the Half Life 3 release will drop. Gaben has been holding it back, continuously updating for decades, awaiting exactly this moment. The judge, completely flabbergasted at the proceedings will immediately declare a mistrial. Legal scholars will then study the "Gaben defense" for decades.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 months ago (1 children)

No comment.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 9 months ago

Does "no comment" count as an answer?

[–] [email protected] 14 points 9 months ago (1 children)

"There is no Half-Life 3, there will be no Half-Life 3."

[–] [email protected] 8 points 9 months ago (1 children)

Half life alyx was hl3

[–] [email protected] 7 points 9 months ago

Forget HL3; where's HL2: Episode 3? I wanna know what the fuck happened to that garden gnome I carried all the way from the beginning to the rocket at the end.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 9 months ago

If this happened I think Gabe would just say "it's not happening, not at least the way you all want" and then we get some half life cyberchip augmented reality game in another 15 years (it is good though)