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Look, i get that this is painful for you and you need to vent, i understand and respect that, and i feel super fucking bad for posting this, but could you please put your future posts about this in spoiler tags? I've completely stopped posting on here about how i'm struggling through the approval process for my own surgery entirely out of consideration for you, and this happens to come at a time when the entire coverage of gender affirming surgeries through the public healthcare system in my country is under attack,
CW: discussion of gatekeeping, sui***idality, surgery, bottom dysphoria, legal struggles
while some of my friends are openly losing their will to live because they do not know if they can ever afford their surgeries and live dysphoria-free when they have to pay out of pocket for it, while my own case file is lost somewhere in a buerocratic limbo with the threat of termination looming overhead, and the best case scenario for me is that i will still have to wait for over a year until i get the genitals i need to live a dignified life, if it ever comes to that in the first place,Once more, i can relate to your pain, and you have as much right as i do to share your story here. That's valid and ok. I'm not denying that, i do not want to belittle or downplay your experience even when experiences like yours are actively instrumentalized to harm our community and me. That's not your fault, not your intention and you shouldn't receive any blame for that. I'm just saying that what you are posting is highly triggering material for many other trans folks for the reasons i've outlined above and you shouldn't just put something like that out there without an appropriate warning.
I wasn't asking you to "curb yourself", i was opening up and trying to have a conversation about why your posts are nauseating and rage inducing to read for me and if you could set a spoiler tag. Didn't expect a hexbear mod to react like that to a request like this, but i know where i'm at now, thanks a lot for that insight.
I've edited that part now. As far as i'm concerned you can leave the quote up unaltered so people understand our exchange or delete it, i don't mind it either way. I get how hurtful that sentence is in your situation and i'm genuinely sorry i made that mistake. Because that's what it was, a mistake. Not an expression of some transphobic belief that excludes people with regret over a transition step, because that's not a belief i hold and i ask you to please take this in good faith, not because i want to get out of this but because i do not want you to walk away from this with the impression that somebody here is trying to invalidate you for your struggles. I was at no point trying to make that kind of statement, i used the wrong possessive pronoun in that one sentence because i was referring to my local community of people i know irl, in person, who live in my jurisdiction and face the same specific legal and medical situation as me. Not our global trans community of all trans people, but the specific people i'm personally in community and organizing with. THAT is the entire reason i originally wrote "my" instead of "our". I'm not saying that to excuse the choice of words, it was wrong regardless, you're absolutely justified in finding it exclusionary, it is guaranteed to come off like that on your end and once more, i am sorry for the pain that has caused you on an already shitty day. I really am. I just feel the need to clarify so this does not become more painful for both of us than it has already been.
Edit: To put this into context, i've spent half of the evening discussing a recent court order that could nullify cost coverage for any and all gender affirming care in my country, and if this gets through this could mean it gets nullified indefinitely because we're about to slide headfirst into fascism again, i've had to talk a friend out of spiraling into sui***al ideation because he does not know how to get mastek when this gets through, i get anxiety attacks over never having the sex life that i want because of some transphobic judges because vaginoplasty will never be affordable to me if my insurance stops covering it, i get more thought spirals thinking about all of my friends and lovers who are not yet as deeply into in the entire inhumane gatekeeping ordeal as me and have much higher chances of being affected by this development than me. I realize in hindsight it was a really bad idea to go to another trans person who was having a probably much more distressing day and tell her to pay more mind to the problems of me and people around me when she already has way too much on her plate, but i could not keep what i wrote in my original post to myself. I just couldn't. That was just too much for me, and i still have to leave that up.
i'm from a country where surgeries have always been completely paid for out of pocket. even though it hurts to see other people make progress more easily than myself, it would be self-indulgent for me to ask you to keep your publicly funded surgeries under a spoiler tag. i respect what you're saying and i'm sorry you and your friends are struggling but your own struggles don't negate mine or anyone else's, and vice versa. both can be true at the same time, both are equally valid, both can and should be freely expressed without fear of invalidating anyone else
Come the fuck on, this is just outright gaslighting now. I have at NO point demanded that @[email protected] stops posting about her surgery regret, i have at no point said it invalidates her experience, i have at no point said it makes her any less vaid than other trans people, all i was asking for was to put a spoiler tag on statements that are a necessary vent for one user and deeply hurtful and upsetting material for another. That's completely normal behavior around here and around any other trans community i'm in. wtf is up with this sudden hate for spoiler tags and CWs? Are we suddenly a community of free speech absolutists who do not want to bother with the special snowflakes? Because this is how these reactions are coming off to me. I use spoiler tags all the time when i'm talking about issues like dysphoria etc. That does not mean i am not free to talk about these issues, it especially does not mean it invalidates anybody with a different experience, it just means that it hurts me when i walk in here after the stuff i've just described and get hit over the head with a post that unintentionally, but unavoidably opens up fresh wounds for me. I understand now that this comm does not give a fuck about my feelings, whatever, i just find the entire reaction to the request to be very different from what i would have expected from this site.
I never said anywhere it strikes a different chord at all. You being able to get phallo is fundamentally the same struggle about healthcare and bodily autonomy every other trans person seeking gender affirming care goes through, i do not see a difference there, it's all the same fight to inhabit a body that matches one's gender identity. And that should never work along a predefined pathway of the "correct" way to transition or be misconstrued as having to fall within a binary, cisnormative, endonormative understanding of how bodies are supposed to look like within a gendered context. The states of our body and how we perceive them do not allow others to draw conclusions about our gender identity. That's up for ourselves alone to decide, not for anybody else. I'm not denying any of these positions. My approach to trans, inter and nonbinary liberation is full acceptance of self identification and bodily autonomy, and that fully includes recognizing that people may change their mind about specific transition steps without that invalidating their gender identity and without voiding their future access to gender affirming care. A truly gatekeeping-free approach isn't even possible without that part, without recognizing that in some cases, it's necessary to try a certain step and then, afterwards, be able to correct it again in the unlikely case it didn't work as intended or expected. That regret can happen should neither restrict access to gender affirming care nor sideline reconstructive treatments for people with regret. Regret should not be weaponized against you, it should not be weaponized against me, it should have no bearing on the care either of us receive. That isn't what this is about.
The reason i asked you about using spoiler tags is the simple fact that issues regarding dysphoria / gender incongruence, body image etc. can routinely be difficult and painful to other trans people. This applies to all kinds of subjects and does not touch upon the validity of these feelings. It applies especially when these feelings resonate with the reader in some way - if your struggle was entirely unrelated to mine, how could it bother me to read about it? Why would that hurt me? Why would i care? Like i said upthread, i routinely spoiler my own dysphoria posts because i know from personal experience that kind of material can exacerbate dysphoric symptoms in other trans people and lead directly to painful dysphoric episodes. I don't know if this is as bad for you as it is for me, we all react differently and have different strategies to handle these feelings, but back when i still used reddit, i had to unsub from entire trans subreddits because they worsened certain forms of dysphoria in me, to the point i had to talk it though with my therapist. But at the same time, trans people absolutely need to vent about such issues. For many of us, there are days where we just need to scream into the void how much we hate the parts of ourself that cause us pain. That's perfectly normal, valid and necessary. From all i can tell,
CW NSFW stuff, bottom dysphoria, bodily functions
me getting nauseous when i feel my balls, me feeling anguish and frustration when i can't be fingered when my friend is touching me, me feeling that my shaft shouldn't exist and that my clit is sitting in the wrong place and that i can't even pee in the right wayIf that's not how you want to handle these things as a mod of this comm, that's fine with me. I get that now. It's just not what i would have expected here, i seriously thought that my request was completely within the ordinary and i'm sorry it still makes you feel hurt and belittled. I feel especially sorry that it ties so strongly into how you are treated in the medical system. I can relate way too well to that, i think many of us do, and i just wish i could reverse this entire exchange because of it. I should have thought twice before ... no, that's not right. I sat in front of that original post for almost an hour because i was unsure how to word it. I did not think twice about it, i mulled it over again and again, unsure how to approach it just like i'm unsure how to approach this post and i came to the wrong conclusion. I thought i could write that in a way that does not hurt you, and i was wrong about that. I hope i am right this time.