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Making close friends as an adult (beehaw.org)

submitted 1 year ago by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Hi everyone! I'm in my late 20s and I've been reminiscing on my young adult life and what I like/don't like. One point that has been coming up for me is close, vulnerable friendships. I used to have a few friends who I was very close to a few years ago, who I could talk to about deep life stuff, big emotions, vulnerable feelings and worries, and also just enjoy time together discussing silly/serious media or the world.

I have since lost these friends, one way or another. Some simply drifted, some left in a flurry of drama and hurt feelings. I thankfully kept some friends, but a lot of them have been lost.

Despite the volatility of those friendships, there was something I was getting from them that I really needed and still need. I think that need is simply the human desire for close companionship. I have a partner, and he's wonderful; he's not particularly feel-y however, and my friends aren't either. I think I need more emotionally-vulnerable people.

My question is this... How does one make these friends as an adult? In fact, how does one make any friends as an adult? I'm finding myself not knowing how to proceed and find other emotional folk. Any advice would be appreciated. <3

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[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

If you have an -ism (and some would argue that we all have -isms) there is likely a 12-step group for that. What is needed for friendships to develop:

Repeated exposure over time. This means being able to count on seeing someone regularly, like once a week at a thing during which you actually talk to each other (so movie nights don't work).
Trust. This comes either from how an event is structured (like the meeting format and principles found in a 12-step group, or the Unitarians have Small Group Connection Circles that function similarly, but without the -isms) OR from spending enough time together that sharing sensitive stuff is accepted and encouraged.
Reciprocity. Both people have to put in the same amount of effort. (And share the same level of sensitive stuff. One can't overshare about their personal life if together they've only ever talked about books.) This means you both commit to being the one to ask to meet up if the other one did it last time, or what have you.

I've spent a lot of time in my adult life trying to find ways to bring people together and develop friendships. It isn't easy and most people aren't willing to commit to one of the three things above, so you'll have to go to places where they do.

If you want a community without the religion, I suggest trying out the Unitarians. Each congregation is different, but they don't have any dogma and each person is free to believe what they like. They have all the good social aspects of belonging to church without any of the toxicity in other religions.