I need some other trans athletes in competitive sports to talk to. Tldr: afab enby/masc pre transition wanting to compete in male division.
This is going to be a ramble, apologies.
I'm training in Brazilian Jiu Jitsu and I'm planning on going to my first competition. I'm afab, enby/masc. I can't bring myself to sign up for the women's division, and I've signed up for the men's. I'm not on hormones or anything, and even though the divisions are organized by age weight and experience, it's quite possible that I'm still going to be out matched just based on muscle/body weight ratio. I don't know.
I'm training hard, gaining strength. This is the kind of sport where if you technique is good, you can potentially win regardless of size difference. Heck, it was developed to give smaller people an advantage in a street fight.
I've also only ever trained with cis men, and they've told me I'm formidable. (Though I'm not sure if there's is always an unspoken "for a girl" in that whenever a cis dude compliments a precived as female). I also know they are holding back some - at least some of the time, but that's what we all do for training.
I've told some people that I've signed up for the men's division. One cis male friend told me that they would feel like they had an unfair advantage of they got out there and a "girl" showed up to fight, which would mean they would hold back, and/or a win wouldn't feel legit. Therefore I should stick to women's to preserve competitiveness.
They also suggested that I just do the girls first and if I kick all their asses then the men's. Worried that if I try men's and get humiliated it would be a bad learning experience. Somewhat valid. I am the kind of person who tends to go over board at first and then has to scale back. I get it.
But I also don't think athleticism is so black and white. Especially in BJJ at beginner levels. I don't know for sure though because I don't actually have any data, I can't find stories online of afab pre transition competing in bjj. I don't know anyone else. There are plenty of garbage articles about amabs in female devisions, and some good ones, but those don't really help me.
Anyway. I don't know where I'm going with this, just trying to sort out thoughts I guess.
I would appreciate advise, commiseration from any trans athletes out there in competitive sports who have experiences to share.
Love you guys.
Oh hey ugh I've been thinking about basically the same damn thing
I'm also afab, trans masc, enby, pre-stuff, etc. I did martial arts for 13 years and only stopped because I moved away from my school. Kills me a little.
The thing is, even when I was at the school I loved, I still had to grapple with disconnection between my gender identity and the way my perceived gender and sex interacted with the sport space. It's not that they were mean or exclusive to women, it's just that they inherently treated them a little different, and, well, my brain says I'm not a woman. Stop that.
Right now I'm having the same problem because I live near the coast and I really want to get into spearfishing. It's not that women are excluded, or even necessarily that they're intentionally excluding queer or trans people, but there's a hetero- and cis-normativity to these sport spaces that is so hard to penetrate.
I'm sure I could ignore my own gender identity and ingratiate myself with other spearos the way I did before realizing I was non-binary-- usually by acting innocent, accepting lots of help, and talking in a sweet, high voice. Basically, if I play to their expectations of how "females" work I'm sure I'll be included and eventually even respected. But... oh man do I not want to do that. And I can't approach it the "male" way either, because it would be so jarring and odd that they'd think I was like... A bitch? Aggro? Etc.
Uggghh anyway I don't know how to help you (other commenter's are doing a better job of affirming and encouraging) but let me provide the component of: yes I see you, yes I feel you, yes omg it sucks
Really, thank you for the commiseration. Sometimes I feel like such an alien, and it is so nice to be able to relate to someone else for once. It's tough to navigate these gendered spaces. It's like if you don't want no trouble, then you don't get to be true to yourself, but if you are true to yourself, people get all fucking weird. It's exhausting. I have found people here and there will just let me be who I am. It's so important to have those sanctuaries. Much love. You just sharing your experience has been very affirming and encouraging. Ty.