Gonna start by saying I am super nervous even posting this. It is one thing to even admit things to myself in my head let alone reach out on the internet. Hopefully it is okay to post this here.
I guess I am trying to figure out if I might be trans (Or partly trans, though I guess that would still count.)
Little basic info is early 30s male, big guy.
I am pretty sure attraction and gender are seperate but related. My preferred, gonna call it, entertainment material has transfem models. I have the thought along the lines of I wish I had a body like hers fairly often. And when I see women in public, in some dresses and skirts, I have started admitting to myself that I am kind of jealous that they can wear that and I can't.
I have also wondered/fantasized about having breasts.
I will admit that I do crossdress bottom half only, but only privately.
I don't think I would have major issue just living outwardly as just a dude, except maybe future regret for not trying to be who I possibly want to be.
I created this alt just so I could more comfortably engage in this community, but I am still kind of freaking myself out and really worried I am just spamming where I shouldn't be.
Sorry for being so scrambled with my thoughts. So trying to come back to a point for making this post, am I possibly in the closet trans? Any thoughts maybe I should contemplate to try to get an answer for myself?
Thanks
(Even up to this point I am still thinking about not posting this. I am kind of scared of someone figuring out who I am making this post. It just seems easier to just go on keeping this all my just my head.)
Morning after post edit:
Thanks everyone for your comments. They are helping me wake up a bit. My stupid brain wouldn't let me sleep last night. Probably got a little over an hour of sleep. I swear I was trying really hard to sleep, I just couldn't stop running hypothetical situations in my head. Surprisingly not anything negative though.
Edit 2: I may not be replying to all, but I assure you that I am reading.
2.5 days after post edit:
Maybe I should do this as a reply to myself, but I will just write here.
All this has been on my mind since posting. It is honestly a LOT to process. I am absolutely not sure where I will go in the long term, but I am think of coming out to my brother and my best friend. I am pretty much certain my brother will be supportive. I am also pretty confident in my friend. Though, I honestly think after some serious awkwardness things may work out. ๐ค
All the contemplation has brought me to my current guess that I am trans, likely non-binary and femme. It is still a bit weird to admit to even myself, but it is what is and I am who I am.
I do wonder if one day I would go the HRT route, but definitely no surgery. Too scared of that a I am pretty sure I don't need it. I have no issues with having male bits, honestly I am rather fond of the guy. We have practically been attached together my whole life. ๐ (Sorry, I like to make stupid jokes to lighten the mood.)
What I (pretty sure) want is to be feminine and have breast. I decided to start a personal journal yesterday, and I wrote the line "I want breasts" and stared at at for a bit. The line just felt right.
I already had secretly bought some femme clothing (mostly lower body) but I also ordered myself another skirt (hopefully fits tight enough since I want to wear it at my hips and not waist), some peelable nail polish (want to be able to take it off easily), and some clip on earrings.
Thinking about my possible future is scary as hell, but it also makes me excited for who I might be.
Okay, that is my rambling. Sending love to everyone who took the time to reply to me. ๐
(I am also trying to be more expressive online with emotes.)
P.s. Still cis though (jk)
Im not an expert and im not the best person to talk on this subject. I just stumbled on it and ill do my best.
What you sre attracted to in adult media doesnt make you trans. Its absolutly okay, weither you are male, male to female, female, or female to male, (or other). You can have attraction to any or all points of the spectrum for any point you're starting from. Its totally fine to be trans and totally fine to be wholeheartedly cisgender and attracted to trans people.
Crossdressing can be absolutly cis-fantasy, as well as trans-fantasy. I totally understand envying women in chothing choice. I hate pants in summer, a skirt would be a much more comfortable choice. But like you said, a skirt is a more feminine look. Are you fantasising about the clothing? The look? Or the femininity?
Luckilly. You can try the clothing in private. If that feels more like the true 'you,' make a note. Thats not your answer though. And theres absolutly nothing wrong with being a male who gets satisfaction from womens clothing and not going farther. This is a personal journey for you. Nobody else can walk it for you, but the right friends can walk it with you.
If you still feel like you're holding back, you need to ask what and why you feel like you're restricting yourself. If you want to try makeup, you can be a guy who wears makeup. This is where my knowledge lapses, and im sorry, but dont worry about gender stereotypes to do what makes you feel like you. If people dont like it, they didnt like the real you. If you dont tell them who you are, nobody else will. Experimenting doesnt make you trans if you decide you arent trans, but it will make you know yourself better. And wiether you decide you are. Or you arent, you will find the people who love the real you, and youll have a better idea who the real you is.