you are viewing a single comment's thread
view the rest of the comments
[–] 42 points 5 hours ago* (last edited 5 hours ago) (18 children)

TBH I am somewhat ashamed of my (male) sex, and its many extremes. The incel side, the oldschool sexist side, the Instagram macho side, the “Andrew Tate attention predator” side, the “take a freaking shower” side, the “you cheated on your mistress?” side…

Like, I am an AuADHD recluse. No self-promotion here. I know I’m not in a good place for a relationship, at the moment.

Yet based on guys I’ve personally met, I feel like I’m in the top percentile for “being reasonably understanding/deferential/courteous/nice, meeting a baseline grooming standard, engaging with someone else’s needs, and so on.

  • source
  • hideshow 18 child comments
  • [–] 6 points 1 hour ago

    Don't ever be ashamed of something you didn't choose or do. People love to be inflammatory but nobody really judges a guy just for being a guy. Vast majority of men are doing the best they can, we know. I work in a company about half men, all of them manage to be clean and together and nice, same as the women do. Some of the guys are for sure dressed better than me most days.

    Can't judge a group on the worst of them.

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 36 points 4 hours ago (8 children)

    Just be clean and treat women like people. The bar is SO LOW

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 8 child comments
  • [–] 18 points 2 hours ago (3 children)

    I’m not quite sure how to say this, but the bar is definitely above there. I’m sure many women have these stories of people falling below it and having lowered their standards, but there are also guys (like me) that have received zero to zero attention while being very socially open in a lot of contexts.

    Worse, there’s often a conclusive reaction of “If that’s the case, you must be doing something wrong”. I know I’m not my own best judge, but I don’t believe that. I show interest in people’s lives and hardship, be kind, stay clean, and it doesn’t appear to make a difference.

    People as a whole (not just women) are less prone to haphazard connections than they used to be. More generally, it ties in with the difficulty making friends as an adult. Attractiveness concerns could tie into that, but I can’t say for sure.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 3 child comments
  • [–] 3 points 25 minutes ago

    Worse, there’s often a conclusive reaction of “If that’s the case, you must be doing something wrong”.

    And then, they can't point out anything you're doing wrong! And then, you see tons of men out there who don't clear that low bar, yet have dates and get married (often multiple times). I'm with you, the claim that that's the bar just isn't credible.

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 1 point 1 hour ago (1 child)

    Have you tried asking any out on a date or are you just waiting for them to make the first move?

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 2 points 59 minutes ago

    I have! The last time it failed was when someone turned down my date before the day even came up - because I wasn't messaging her often enough in pleading persistence.

    "The worst she can say is no" is not true either. The worst she can say is a vague promise to satiate you until she can leave and ghost you. It's a practice that many women have used to avoid toxic, persistent men. The emotional effect there is akin to "Not only are you not worth it, you look threatening enough based on your height/weight/gender that it's too risky to even reject you directly."

    Honestly, much as it frustrated me when it happened, I completely understand why the practice exists. I'd say I blame toxic manosphere personalities and possessive men for such social patterns ever existing.

    Basically, when I make those comments about the bar being higher, that isn't really making an "ask" of anyone. I acknowledge women spend a lot of time and effort on makeup, appearance, clothing, already. Overcoming the anxiety of asking someone out would be a big ask on top of that, it's difficult for either gender. But the attempts from guys, thanks to horrible people and toxic "dating" cultures, have now been emotionally draining too. The situation sucks for everyone now. I just ask that you don't claim solutions to be easy. If they were, people would be achieving them.

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 2 points 3 hours ago (1 child)

    Absolutely this!

    I'm not particularly good looking and I've been overweight/unfit my entire life.

    I have NEVER had problems getting dates or getting laid. I'm polyamorus these days, which narrows down the dating pool quite a bit and it still is not an issue.

    The secret is just...be honest? Be authentic and treat people like people, regardless of their gender.

    The bar really is low.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 1 point 2 hours ago

    I agree. I am a pretty damaged person and always had weight problems, but after i turned 18, the first time i am single is now - i'm 45 now. Difference to the people i knew that always had problems finding a partner was mainly listening, treating women like everyone else, and having some fucking decency.

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 12 points 3 hours ago (1 child)

    You should never feel shame for the immutable characteristics of your identity. Race, gender, origin, sexuality are what they are. You can't control them and neither can anyone else.

    You are only responsible for your actions and how you treat others. Anyone that makes you feel like your identity is bad or shameful is part of the problem.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 5 points 2 hours ago

    I worded that poorly.

    The emotion I feel is somewhere between confusion, shaking my head, and wanting to slap someone in the face. I’m not ashamed of being male, but I do not appreciate others representing my sex so… negatively

  • source
  • parent
  • [–] 20 points 5 hours ago (3 children)

    Dated hot and heavy a few years ago and used to ask women about bad first dates as a conversation starter. With my whole chest, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST.

    I only had one bad date. The women I dated could each tell stories for ages.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 3 child comments
  • [–] 9 points 4 hours ago* (1 child)

    My worst date (not 1st date, I think 3rd?). Me and this very tall and attractive woman were getting ready for some sexy time and when I brought out a condom she flipped out, said something along the lines of "ARE YOU CALLING ME A WHORE?!" and stormed out. I, of course, ignored this giant red flag because I was very horny and she was hot and tall. Over the next few months I found out how crazy she really was and finally ended it.

  • source
  • parent
  • hideshow 1 child comment
  • [–] 11 points 5 hours ago

    There are plenty of stereotypes for women, too, and many overlap.

    The challenge isn't that these people actually exist, the challenge is that while they are few in the general population, there's often no way to know until you've wasted your time, or worse, it's too late.

    I feel fortunate I don't have to go through that slog.

  • source
  • parent