I (23M) grew up in an extremely abusive household. My older brother learned to imitate the violence and lack of remorse my father modeled, while I hid in my room for most of my childhood and slowly deprogrammed until I learned to trust safe people and assert my needs and boundaries. Now that I know what safe people are like, I also know what they absolutely fucking aren't.
I think most people would consider my brother a psychopath. He beat his girlfriend's cat to death, brandished a knife at my father in a screaming fit of rage for insulting him, strangled a bird and displayed its corpse hanging in a tree, fantasizes about mass murdering "liberals," said without hesitation that he would kill me in a "civil war," spoke extensively about his desire to break women down and control them, drives recklessly and amasses unpaid speeding tickets, and, most importantly to this discussion, insists that he will have to "take care of me" and "force me to live with him" after my father dies, because I will supposedly be too incompetent to take care of myself. He also has an extremely fragile ego, and any perceived slight or defiance can trigger a violent rage that he admits causes him to lose control of himself (hence the cat's fate for "misbehaving").
Suffice it to say, I don't want to be kidnapped. None of the money or outside communication I have will do much good if he takes away my access to them. What can I realistically do if he makes me live in the middle of nowhere with no phone, no money, and no transportation? It may be a fate worse than death.
I've been in therapy for half a year and reached the point where I am no longer stuck in a perpetual freeze response and can assert my needs and boundaries. This caused subconscious shifts in my behavior that my narcissistic parents have reacted with hostility towards, calling me "crazy" or "aggressive" for asking to be treated with respect and standing my ground. My mother finally snapped and said she wouldn't do anything for me anymore... I was frightened at first, but my life barely changed once she withdrew her support, because I was doing most things by myself already without realizing. I don't feel so helpless and dependent anymore because now I know my family was bullshitting me the whole time, and now it's even more clear that my brother has predatory intentions when he paints me as incapable of taking care of myself.
I've been working on a flexible plan to make a clean break from this situation. I can run away tomorrow and my brother won't be able to find me. But there's one problem that prevents me from truly disappearing: he has access to my full name, date of birth, and social security number, if not because he knows it, then because my mother will readily tell him.
Getting a job and a place to live can leave a paper trail that links my name and SSN to my new location, allowing me to be found no matter where I live in the U.S., and emigrating out of the country isn't a realistic option. It's also worth noting that my brother travels a lot and regularly takes road trips spanning several states, so it's not like geographical distance will deter him.
Is self-defense going to have to be a part of the solution here? Or making it almost impossible for him to get away with whatever he might pull if I tell him no? I would really prefer a solution where I could just disappear off the map and live my life separately; I would hate for the situation to have to come to this.
It's worth noting that I have not explored legal avenues yet because I don't want my brother to be notified of any actions I take against him, which I fear will escalate the situation.
I expect that no matter what, I will have to make some difficult decisions here. I spend every day in constant anxiety so severe that I am afraid to get food or use the bathroom for fear of encountering my brother. But I have to face reality and accept that hiding in my room isn't going to protect me from him. I think staying and trying to seek stable employment or education under such extreme threat is an unworkable solution.
I plan on visiting my local library soon, where I will be able to make phone calls without anyone in my family hearing.
Any ideas? I think having a trusted contact to stay with might be a decent temporary solution that will help me get my bearings, but I'm going to have to deal with the discoverability issues eventually. I would also need some way to find people I can trust in a limited time window, which seems inherently risky. But does that really compare to the risk of doing nothing? Staying at any shelter that will allow me to stay might also be a temporary solution, but given the finite number of shelters, I run the risk of being discovered eventually.
Move, and the further away you can get, the better. Bigger cities have the advantage of letting you get lost in the crowd, smaller towns can be good because it's a lot harder for them to just show up and not stick out plus you can easily be on a first name basis with local officers.
I broke contact with my family years ago, and my mother used to call the local sheriff and police departments claiming I was missing or in danger just to force contact. When you get to your new area, go straight to the local police or sheriff's office. Explain that you are safe, an adult, and actively fleeing an abusive family situation. Ask them to make a note on your name so that if your family files a missing person report or requests a "welfare check," the cops already know the deal and won't give out your location.
If you need help getting away right now, go to a local shelter or domestic violence center. Tell them what is going on and that you need out. They can give you a safe place to stay, help you get your bearings, and can often help set up bus transportation if you have a safe contact in another state.
Since your brother has your full name, DOB, and SSN, here are the exact steps you need to take to protect yourself from a paper trail:
Grab your physical original docs before you leave. Get your actual Social Security card, Birth Certificate, Passport, and State ID. Replacing these without a permanent home address is a massive headache, and leaving them behind gives your family leverage over you.
Lock down IRS.gov and SSA.gov now. Create your official online accounts on IRS.gov and SSA.gov using a brand-new, secure email address before your brother tries to create them under your name. While on the IRS site, sign up for an Identity Protection PIN (IP PIN). This prevents anyone from filing taxes under your SSN, which stops people from using tax records or W-2s to find your new employer.
Freeze your credit reports. Freeze your credit with all three major bureaus (Experian, TransUnion, Equifax). Don't open store cards, and never give out your physical address for mail—use a P.O. Box or a UPS Store box instead. Switch to a completely new bank. Do not just open a new account at your current bank. Go to a brand-new financial institution that your family has zero history with or open up an account with an online only bank. Bank tellers fall for emotional social engineering from crying relatives all the time.
Watch out for public record leaks. Voter registration rolls are public records in almost every state. Don't register to vote at your new physical address right away, or look into your state's Address Confidentiality Program (ACP) for domestic violence survivors, which lets you use a state substitute address on official records like the DMV. Ditch shared phone plans. Get off any shared family plan immediately. Get a cheap prepaid phone under your own name, and check your belongings and vehicle if you have one for things like Apple AirTags or hidden GPS trackers before you make your move.
Stay completely off social media. Delete or abandon your current accounts. Don't post about your new location, new job, or daily routines anywhere online.
Taking that first step out the door is terrifying, but physical distance gives you control back. You are not nearly as trapped as you feel right now.