What are some lesser known developmental milestones no one really ever talks about? (programming.dev)

submitted 12 hours ago by danhab99@programming.dev to c/asklemmy@lemmy.world

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I'm not really in a good place right now or I guess I haven't been for a few years.

I've just been reflecting today on all the things that I haven't been doing and wondering if some specific things would have happened in my past to me maybe I would have been able to do things differently.. like I'm reflecting on my friends and how they develop their sense of self-worth and identity I'm just realizing so many things just didn't really ever happen to me and I'm just wondering what those things could possibly have been.

Like for example I have absolutely no doubt that I'm a great programmer and I deserve all of the things I have in my life because of it. I've work hard and created cool things and gotten jobs and been promoted so I have absolutely no doubt in my professional abilities.

And like I know I'm attractive cuz I'm tall and young and I look good and I take care of myself.. but no one's ever told me that.. like in the way that my friends have been told. Like in the way that would cause a friend to come up to me and ask for emotional advice about their relationship and they tell me their partner finds them attractive but they don't think they're attractive, I've never gotten to that.

That's the kind of I guess niche developmental milestones or mile-pebbles that are healthy to go through that I'm asking about.

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[-] ProfThadBach@lemmy.world 9 points 11 hours ago

I don't remember the term for this but I came to a realization a few years ago that almost all of the people I know do not value me. I had to force my way into the group things that we did and inviting me was always an afterthought for them. If they were doing things as a group I had to invite myself. I would call myself a B-list friend but I really wasn't even that; however, if they needed something then I got a call or a text. You know what? I would jump at it and be there.

A few years ago a fiend of mine died suddenly. Covid got him and he never really recovered because he stupidly did not get the vaccine. When He died I reevaluated a lot of long time friendships and because the long journey of realizing most people are not really your friend even the ones who were in your life long term.

To add. About 15 years ago I got divorced. Come to find out she was fucking a whole coven of witches. Anyway, I moved out and have been on my own all this time. I have grown into doing all things by myself and truthfully now that I am in my 60s I would not have it any other way.

I just wish I would have learned this in my 20s but it seems that I thought that if I was just there enough and helpful enough that they would see my worth. I was wrong. A lot of this same group is wanting me to come ton the 45 year high school reunion. Ten years ago I might have gone but not now.

[-] pwalshj@lemmy.world 3 points 8 hours ago

I'm sincerely sorry about your friend and all you have been through. Would you change it? As in, do you feel that you acted admirably throughout your experience? If so, fuck it. Be proud of yourself and know that you do your best. Valuing yourself projects and results in others valuing you as well. Go to your reunion; the majority of those people have been through what you've been through and you have shared formative experience. You'll likely be pleasantly surprised. Wishing you the best. Cheers, b.

[-] ProfThadBach@lemmy.world 4 points 8 hours ago

I went to the one right after Covid. I was on Facebook then and was begged to come and was ignored the whole time I was there. I chatted with a few people but slowed realized I did not know these people and it was clear they did not care to know me. I left after an hour. I don't know man. You can never go home I suppose. Or maybe I am just an asshole.

[-] pwalshj@lemmy.world 3 points 8 hours ago* (last edited 8 hours ago)

Nah. If you were an asshole you wouldn't be thinking about it. Again, best of luck. I'm rooting for ya.

-edit- If you were begged to attend you were wanted there.

this post was submitted on 12 Jul 2026

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