I completely understand the toll that having to be strict all the time takes. My parents were abusive and I never wanted to be the strict parent. I wanted to be the loving hippie mom!

The pressure of knowing that we were the only ones who could raise her into a grown ass adult capable of experiencing all the good things in life are what kept us going though.

So yes, we had a glove on our iron fist. We knew we couldn't let her get away with anything but we tried to be as kind about it as possible, and any time she showed that she was accepting a punishment for screwing up, we would give her a way of "earning" her way out of some of it.

Earn an hour of screen time etc.

I agree I wish there was a silver bullet for any time we let her off the hook. Heck, any change in routine would cause a cascading effect, even something as simple as going away for the weekend as a family meant that all expectations about getting back into the routine of school and life when we returned were off the table.

School holidays? Fuck me, they were the worst for that.

Definitely make the effort if possible to get him into an after school activity at least once a week. Scouts were great for her because she also got to go camping and they often had boisterous children. The musical theatre was great because it attracted the "weird" kids who were more tolerant of her. We let her switch at the end of two terms and any term after, to any activity that wasn't unreasonably expensive to start.

Like no we aren't buying a full uniform for football or something, yes we will buy a basic leotard and shoes for dance, you know?

Feel free to pm me any time, I know it can be really lonely. My husband's parents raised 3 A types who became engineers and it wasn't until they were living with us and trying to get her to do anything themselves that they finally started to understand. No, we aren't letting her get away with stuff, yes we have expectations, no we don't want to raise an asshole. Man it's hard.