"I will talk to a therapist because I’m not sure, maybe both? But here’s a bit of what I’ve written down:
I've always had a problem with relationships, maybe it's my autism, maybe not, who knows? But I've always been too "intense" and called crazy or yandere. I need to discuss with a professional, but here are some things I wrote.
"I'm gonna get professional help and find out what's wrong. It'll be hard though since I have autism and I'm a teen and I heard they don't diagnose autistic teens but a person who hates me said that so IDK if I can accept his comments as fact or not, we used to be friends until he started hurting me and being rude.
Anyway, IDK what it could be but I do have problems. If you come here to damage my self-esteem, please don't, but you can share your experiences. I already acknowledge I'm a bad person.
I do respect her boundaries, but I also feel like I can't form a connection with her. She says we're friends, but people have said she wants nothing to do with me and that she's "just being nice", especially since she's an art account who doesn't want to look bad for her fans or whatever. IDK how true that is, but she never knows what to say when I talk to her, but then again she wants me to make art for her, so that means she doesn't hate me, right?
I feel like a disgusting creep like I've been called my whole life by people for being too intense and clingy. I'm insanely obsessive, no joke. And at first, I felt rejected and decided I wouldn't talk to her, but I've calmed down and I'm too attached to cut contact entirely. She said I could message her but not every day and that she'd tell me if she didn't wanna talk. I know it's not her fault, probably not mine, maybe it is, so why do I feel so bad?? Or maybe, why DID I since I'm better now? We're friends regardless, right? She didn't just outright ghost me and call me names."
“Prone to obsession
Prone to attachment
Self-aware, lucid, doesn’t jump to conclusions when not attached to said person. Would be suspected to be “normal” or without any disorder.
Intense attachment and fixations on people
Non-crystallized sense of self
Derealization at times or “shifting” into my favorite character
All-or-nothing attachment
I can see you as a normal person one day, and the next you’re everything to me.
I stay online anxiously waiting for your text, I can flip my lid if rejected and go to thinking “they hate me!!! And they want me to SUFFER!!!” Attachment is source of stress and can cause anger but also happiness. I will find reasons to not like you or think you’re mean even if I like you at the same time.
Impulsive and indulgent, won’t pull away from something or someone that makes me happy.
Doesn’t self-harm but thinks about it when having intense emotions (used to impulsively hit/punch arms or head but then got on medication and seems to maybe be calmer but symptoms/signs are still there)” (therapy notes)"
You're right, teens cannot get a diagnosis for personality disorders as their personality has not fully formed yet. Teenage years and even beyond are the years a person goes through to find themselves who they are in regards to personality. A teenager has little expectations in forming stable relationships and most people in later stages look back at it with some sentimental cringe as they grow in experience. You mentioned to be autistic so you might be aware of how autistic folks behave differently vis-a-vis relationships and social interactions. In many cases this kind of upbringing (it is a neuro developmental condition afterall) leaves the person with some trauma which can manifest in traits that on the surface resemble a personality disorder. I'm thinking here in terms of people pleasing, hyper vigilance, problem with emotional regulation and low self esteem. I've said this many times in various other threads: labels do not matter as much as opposed to traits. You seem self aware enough to keep track of those so you can address them in therapy or elsewhere.