Have you ever stepped on someone's foot? It happens. They might get angry, it's understandable. Just an accident, not your intention, but your fault nonetheless. Keep this in mind.
I'll be using transphobia in this conversation, because I'm here and the discussion that moved me to write, but I learned the concepts from talks about racism and it applies to many similar situations.
What I am doesn't matter right now. It's not about about me, right? I'll open up the most targetable part of myself though: my inner thoughts. Particularly my musings about gender, which are relatively recent (I'm 39). Nothing specific, just the possibility that they might be transphobic.
That idea was something I feared and worried about a lot. In open discussions, I'm always careful with my words, but I had private doubts for a long time that seemed ugly, plain and simple. Was I transphobic in the past? Most likely. Am I still transphobic on some level? I don't know. I don't want to be, and that's the point.
We are all living our lives the only way we know how to. Sometimes accidents happen, people get hurt, we make things right. Sometimes the way we live our lives mean that we are stepping on people by design. It might still not be our intention, it is still our fault and the fact it's not an accident anymore will mess with our minds when we realize that.
So, again, I don't want to be transphobic. That's not what I believe or how I live my life. Again, my intentions don't matter if what I do hurt or endanger others in any way. I believe I can only say I'm not transphobic if I do the work not to be. If I accept my thoughts, words and actions can be transphobic, and that they are mistakes to be corrected. Being transphobic is about how I can negatively affect trans people, regardless of how I see myself or believe I'm doing the right thing. It's about them, not me.
I ask that you look at the other person or group when you are in an argument, or just out in the world. See how your actions affect them. See if you care enough to do something about it. And, if you find out you don't want to change, try accepting who you are, accepting any disgust you might feel without reinterpreting yours or other people's reality.
edit: It was a mistake going with figurative language here in an discussion that intended to be inclusive. I know better. Also, I wanted people to see that the subject of the action is not always the important part. When there are victims, their point of view should be the one validated first, they should the ones we make sure are all right before we decide to seek punishment. And I don't know if this will help, but the imperfect parallel with racism that came to mind was societal racism.
If you're confused by gender stuff, then by all means avail of search engines for insight given to others with similar queries, but am unsure how one ends up being inadvertently transphobic?
To stretch your analogy, you seem to be wondering why people with injured feet who do their best to wear steel-toed boots & to frequent spaces where stiletto heels & hobnail boots are discouraged, might not be super relaxed when yet another pointy-shod clodhopper comes bounding all over their lives...
No matter your view of gender, or how perplexing you may find people who struggle with it, trans & non-binary people are only trying to feel ok in themselves. There's more to it than that of course, but that's all that anyone else ever needs to get their head around.
TW: examples of transphobic discourse
spoiler
Would you consider calling trans people cross dressers transphobic? Some decades ago, there were trans people calling themselves exactly that. The way we talk about gender nowadays is more widespread and saying something like this will invalidate a person's identity. So, someone in their ignorance describes a trans woman as a drag queen or say they are the same. Is that transphobic? Is there a problem with saying it's absurd to call women people who menstruate if the one saying it doesn't realize how misguided they are?It's not about the person saying it, it's about who has to experience this violence - over and over again.
And here is what I felt wrong for thinking. If you see gender as a social construct, why reinforce the norms in your transition? Why not just live without them? Which was my non binary brain trying to get in gear as I understand now.
Would I call those examples transphobic? For the questions about the labels used, I wouldn’t use the term “transphobic,” but rather misinformed.
For the question about the definition of a woman, yes it is transphobic. And yes there is a problem with it. It may be unintentional, and it may be misguided, but it’s still an example of an outward aversion to trans people. It is also something that continues to harm the trans community.
Now, I wouldn’t hold it against them at all if they listened to trans individuals and corrected themselves for the future. Just because you have problematic viewpoints, doesn’t make you a bad person. Open-minded people who can learn from their mistakes are what the world needs right now.
Let me give an example. When I was a kid in the 90s and 00s, we frequently used the terms “gay” and f** as an insult to each other or to say something was bad. That was homophobic even though we didn’t realize it was. It directly hurt the gay community by associating the term with everything bad. It made the actual gay people around us afraid to come out. As I got older, I (and most people I know) learned how harmful using those words in that way were and I corrected myself. I will break that history of homophobia by teaching my kids that kind of language is not OK. I think of that as a good thing.
Learning from our mistakes and teaching others to learn from our mistakes is the single best thing anyone can do. In my personal opinion, that is actually better than being a silent ally.