Archive link: https://archive.ph/b3uFA

Washington — Over the weekend, Barron Trump inadvertently erased the Social Security records of over 350 million Americans to install a custom Minecraft server for personal use, sources in the administration confirm.

The records widely reported as missing from the Numident, the Master Earnings File, and the Mastery Beneficiary Record databases were addressed on Tuesday by White House press secretary Karoline Leavitt.

“We understand that a very small number of people are unable to access their Social Security benefits and that some validation services are currently unavailable. This does not affect everyone, we did not lose all of the records, that is a Democrat lie. In fact, we encourage every American to please send your full name and Social Security number to @WhiteHouse on Truth Social and we will verify your information. We definitely still have your records and this isolated technical inconvenience has nothing to do with video games or President Trump’s family.”

Reporters for GG Tribune accessed a Minecraft game world on Wednesday using the server address “ssa.gov:25565”. The Superflat Creative mode server was almost entirely empty. Among the three online users was Braden Eric Peters playing under the username Clavicular. In an in-game interview, the newly infamous “looksmaxxer” and streamer congratulated the youngest of the Trump children on “Servermogging” the nation’s Social Security information.

“Barron is usually a jestermaxxer,” Clavicular said. “So when he gave the Social Security people a major cortisol spike it was pretty based. However, his misshapen sphenoid does indicate a preclusion to oafishness, so this may be an example of what would qualify as ‘proto-based’, which of course makes him a JMaxxer Supreme, and his SMV has now crashed harder than me after three days on crystal meth.”

President Trump called into Sean Hannity to discuss the controversy today.

“First of all, Sean, Sleepy Joe Biden should have had a Mindcraft server already, okay?” Trump said to a nodding Hannity. “My son could have been killed, these are- these- nasty. These Mindcraft Gameboys, they’re just nasty people, Sean. I’ve seen them. They’re green and explode. They ruin Mindcraft, an excellent game, named after Sherlock’s brother. No more creepers — that’s what I call them — creepers. No more creepers because Barron made Mindcraft great again. And frankly, I think it’s a disgrace that everyone is making such a fuss out of something as unimportant as Social Security. Yes, all the numbers are gone but there were too many of them, too many numbers. They should have been gone years ago and now they are. Only Barron could have done that, he’s so good with computer. Ugly system Social Security, they tax you like a dog until you’re 50, 80, 68. Nobody likes taxes. You should be upset about Hillary and the DO-NOTHING-DEMOCRATS shutting down the Strait of Hormuz and giving all our taxes to Hamas and illegal immigrants.”

At press time, the Social Security database was restored from a backup on the thumb drive of a former DOGE employee.