this post was submitted on 29 Aug 2023
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Autism
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A community for respectful discussion and memes related to autism acceptance. All neurotypes are welcome.
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It went from me wondering why I could never seem to be or stay social. I consider myself funny and people tell me that, so why do I struggle around people then? Why can't I make really social connection that aren't just surface level. And why can't I seem to change the way I live? I seem to do be unable to work on things I need to do because I have to stick to this rigid schedule.
Then nothing happened for a couple months, I just figured that I was anti social and moved on, but not really.
Then I was walking back to my car from work, and I was thinking about all this stuff, and wondering why I never like going places, and why I can't stand parties, and why when I come back from work I hide away from my family. And why can't i make eye contact??? I just kinda went, "Ha ha I wonder if I have autism lol"
One month later, I read a little about autism, and it really just fell into place. Oh I can't make eye contact because autism, I struggle with social situations because of autism, I can't say goodbye properly because of autism, YOU MEAN WHEN I THOUGH THAT I WAS JUST BECOMING MORE SOCIAL, WHEN I WAS ACTIVELY FREAKING WATCHING OTHER PEOPLE, CONSCIOUSLY WATCHING MY BODY POSTURE, CONSCIOUSLY LISTENING TO HOW OTHER PEOPLE TALK, (and on and on) THAT THERE WAS A FREAKING WORD FOR THAT??? I WAS MASKING???
Anyways haven't been tested yet but honestly it's so I can't be as doubtful of myself. I swear I'll struggle through a social situation and come home and go "hmmmm I'm not doing anything autistic rn that must mean I don't have autism and am just faking it". He says while sitting in a room by himself, stimming by spinning a phone in his hand, following his usual schedule, with low light.
Anyways sorry for the long post, but I guess that's expected.
TL:DR
I joked about me having autism and turns out I do.
That sounds like such an interesting journey. You seem to have a lot more self-awareness than I do, too. lol. There were sooooo soooo many signs that I acknowledged existed, but I never connected them to autism. I just felt that I was weird, wrong, weak, or broken. Never once did I think, "Maybe I'm autistic." Not once.
You are unforgiven because I don't think you have anything to apologize for. You can be as lengthy, weird, quirky, or autistic as you want in here as long as you don't blatantly break the rules.