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Wow, same here. I drank a lot during the early years of covid because I could act different and blame it on that. Also just felt nice to think less about something so all-consuming. Never really drank much before that because my family has a ton of substance problems. I read through some of your other posts and I'm so sorry that you aren't in a place where transitioning feels easier. I got lucky with my relationship, although there's still been issues that have come up because of transitioning. But a big part of hiding it for so long was the fear that I would lose someone that I care a lot about :/.

I eventually decided that I had to pursue it regardless because once the egg is fully cracked, you can't just put it back together. Also, I figured that if my partner wasn't OK with me being me, then it wasn't going to work anyways. Really scary to confront, but necessary.

None of this has been easy but it's absolutely been worth it and I haven't regretted a second. I really hope you can find your peace in this situation however that manifests for you but just know that you aren't alone in your experience or your feelings