Bidet crew checking in.

Mines got hot water. I don't mean that it's got a pipe for hot water, and you have to wait forever for it to warm up. I mean it's got a water heater built in. And a heated seat. And a hot air blower.. dryer? Butt hair dryer? It's nice, especially in the winter.

Clean your butts, people

A shower with soap is best, preferably after a different method. But whatever it's your house, you can shit direct to shower if you like.

If you got poop on you anywhere else. Dry wiping it would not be sufficient. Rinsing it off and patting it dry would not be sufficient. You would wash with soap.

That said, I have a bidet I use some of the time and plain old TP the rest of the time.

A proper diet would also help. Failing that, I just take a shower right after, as you put it, a dump run.

I use a portable bidet. It is a rubber squeeze bottle. I use it to wash my asshole and a little toilet paper to dry.

The thing paid for itself many times over in toilet paper saved.

i uh, i don't think it's normal to have an itchy and smelly bumhole, regardless of how you wipe

For some reason I am offended that you used a / between itchy and smelly implying that it will be both.

If you can't afford one, or rent, or wander around, travel bidets are about $20-$30 and are a water bottle with a hook-shaped wand-spout and an air valve.

My proctologist has a personal vendetta against wiping, and I messed up my piles from ages of wiping too hard. Bidet and dab to dry.