I have one singular good friend here in this city (and like five good friends I semi regularly do stuff with in the country and a handful of friends I see once a year maybe).

I've known her for three years now and I've already talked to her about what kind of friendship I'd like (more regular hangouts, maybe at her or my place, cooking together, that kind of stuff) and I've visited her place once (which was very cool) but since then we've met maybe once every two weeks at best. I try to be the best friend I can but it just isn't good enough. We talk about our feelings, I listen to her, I make space for her, always try to make her feel comfortable without any pressure. We do fun stuff, I genuinely can't believe she has more fun when she is with any other friend. And it still doesn't matter, this is a "go to the movies once every two weeks friendship" and nothing else. It can never be anything else. It can never become love or companionship or anything else. I wrote her two days ago about something and we chatted a bit and then I asked her how she was doing and now she hasn't answered in two days and i don't know why this bothers me this much why can't we have the type of friendship that is freeflowing and doesn't feel forced and choppy. I wanna set my life straight for her but the world won't let me. Love is supposed to transcend this shit but capitalism has forced us all to kill our hearts and to turn into fully rational beings every moment of our life's. I didn't feel like this until a few months ago. I don't want to feel like this. She is such a good person and she's not evil she just overworked and I'm sure she'll reply but goddamn every time I look at my phone it feels like she is ignoring me. And if she ever finds another guy she'll just have even less time for me. I wish I was sexy I'd love to be sexy for her I want her to want me like I want her or for anybody to ever want me. I feel like there's a version of me that's just one percent different that she'd fall in love with instantly but I just don't get the chance to ever become that person. Every day the world becomes a more loveless hopeless place. I just want a bit of romance and love and I'll never ask for anything else ever again