I've heard of the Unmasking Autism book before. I think I'll start there. I've never really felt like I masked in public, which is part of what leads to awkward or unsatisfactory social interactions. But I'm open to the idea that I don't fully know what all masking encompasses and that it might help to recognize if that is something I have been doing all this time without realizing it. The Unlearning Shame book might help in that regard too. I think I have a tendency to just withdraw socially in reaction to stress so as to avoid future situations entirely.

I think what you've said about being othered is a common sentiment I've come across and felt. I think part of it was to reject the label, excel in spite of my condition (at least in some areas), and 'prove' to people that there was nothing 'wrong' with me. Nobody else I was trying to prove anything to really cared though. In that they're just glad that I'm better off than I was.

I have a long term partner so my relationship there is great. They're very supportive and understanding of the quirks I have. I don't think they quite get why they manifest. But it's kind of impossible to explain to someone what it feels like to be a child with sensory overload and have clothing 'hurt' you to the point that you refuse to wear it. It just doesn't make sense.

In general, I think that my most commonly presenting trait other than a general shyness, is justice sensitivity. I was diagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder as a child, which if you read now, has been heavily criticized for being racist but also pathologizing a natural resistance to whatever you feel is unjust, not necessarily what is. So this could easily apply to things like going to school, or nap time. But to put it in Hexbear terms, as an adult, I think this essentially manifests as acting like an Appalachian Maoist who is consistently critical of everyone not living up to their expectations. I don't think I'm that obnoxious, but it comes out now and again when I'm just exhausted by the circumstances. Especially now, as you mentioned in the political climate in places like the US. It makes it feel like indifference and inaction are more offensive than they would otherwise be and it's definitely upped my confrontational meter a little bit.

I don't necessarily think I've lost respect or hate the people I am talking about in this scenario, but it feels mutually unbeneficial to continue interacting with them, even after being friends for over a decade. I've done a lot of thinking since that interaction the last week or so and concluded that online-only friendships based primarily on media consumption are not satisfying to me anymore. Not that I think everyone is a mindless consumer, but they want people to relax and play video games with to escape thinking about unfortunate events, and I want people to commiserate and take action with. I am geographically isolated at the moment, contributing to my general unease, but that is changing in the next few months and I hope to join some activist groups in my new location.

Apply that kind of thing to strangers though, and it's difficult to make friends if your hard line is stricter than others. I don't expect everyone to be like me or have the same thoughts or moral or whatever, but I do want to get a sense that they are at least considering these things when making their decisions and take me seriously when I am expressing my feelings about them.

I feel like most people I talk to on Hexbear are in that camp. As long as someone isn't saying something obviously heinous, people are understanding and compassionate and genuine in their interactions. Like you were with your reply. Which is part of why I decided to try posting in this mega in the first place. I've only felt that sense of community once before, in a completely different country, where it felt like people were all working toward a mutual goal and understanding, with everyone supporting each other along the way.