I'm an average AMAB person: 32yrs old, 180lbs, 5'9" and I carry a lot of my weight in my belly. It gives me a lot of dysphoria and I stress over my belly fat a lot. I definitely don't have a super healthy relationship with my weight.
Last year, I didn't drink for the majority of the year. I took about 10 months off from alcohol, but I didn't lose any weight. I was also going to the gym ~3 times a week. I believe in CICO and so I believe I must have been eating more as well. But my body fat distribution didn't change at all. I moved away from my gym and so I couldn't keep going and then I lost motivation.
For context, when I was younger I weight-lifted a lot. I wasn't the biggest person in the gym, but my PR for bench was 305lb, deadlift 455lbs, and squat 365lb and I weighed 198lbs. I learned a lot of positive and negative associations with weight and diet. Weight lifting was all about eating as much protein as possible. Now I want to lose weight, but I've built this body to be big. I wish I never went to the gym. I used to hover around 155lbs and my body's "set point" never fluctuated until I started focusing heavily on working out and eating as much as I could handle. Now I can't seem to lose the weight. And it's basically just fat. Not much functional muscle left.
Fast forward to today and I'm starting HRT soon. But I'm super worried that my body fat distribution isn't going to change since I've read that fat cells can have "memory". I'm basically excited to start my journey in every way except I feel so dysphoric about my body shape. I hate this "beer belly".
What should I do about this? Can anyone help me with this? I fear the simple answer is that I just need to focus more heavily on diet and exercise, but I'm so demotivated by my experience last year. With no gym nearby (< 35 minutes away) and - frankly - a superb desire to eat, I can't believe in my ability to achieve my goals.
I just wish I could start over and be skinny - then gain weight on my HRT to hopefully gain hips and boobs. What's the advice you'd give me? Sorry if this post is toxic. I realize I don't have a healthy mindset about this. I'm trying to accept myself, but I also want to be able to wear woman's clothing and feel like a woman.
You mentioned drinking. Did you drink a lot in the past? I’m no expert, but my understanding is that heavy drinking creates fat around your abdominal organs which is harder to work off. It’s also possible you put on a bit of water weight from creatine if you used that while working out. I don’t know the best way to quickly work either case off, but it should fade over time if you exercise regularly and avoid or limit those substances.
Regardless of those thoughts, the best advice would come from asking your doctor.