this post was submitted on 14 May 2025
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I make lots of angry phone calls, because I was tortured in a troubled teen facility which is still open.
My family has thoroughly rejected me, because I can be angry and reactive. It is hard not to be angry and reactive, because the torture changed the way that my body reacts to stress, and part of why I am so goddamned angry is that no one intervened.
There are sights, smells, sounds, thoughts, that put me on edge. I am normally an articulate person I think - normally calm. There’s a lot that I can handle. I can deal with a lot of difficult and sensitive issues.
But it’s those triggers. Part of it is that I choose to fight, that I call state agencies, that I call law makers, when I could just try to let the trauma “heal.” But there will still always be triggers I couldn’t avoid, even if I gave up fighting.
“Trauma brain” is difficult for people to understand. It is difficult to advocate and take care of myself when encountering a specific thing makes it impossible for me to sleep for weeks. It is my responsibility to try to treat my trauma - but at the same time, it makes it much harder to get the resources to access that kind of treatment. The biggest triggers are also directly related to mental healthcare, which makes it extremely difficult to make progress with providers. Something that “looks like” the kind of office I was sitting in as a teenager is not a place I will ever feel comfortable.
My dad basically told me I should take meds and read Viktor Frankl, and then cut me off from my family. The problem of being traumatized is that it makes you too hard to support, which means that you end up trapped in a worse and worse situation. You lose all support, and get further traumatized.
I was desperate enough to go inpatient after the election, and was physically assaulted. I don’t know where I am supposed to make my trauma better. Where I get help such that driving down a certain street doesn’t instantly wrench my body into flight or fight mode.