Autism

My father smoked for quite some years, but he started after I was born. This is irrelevant for the purposes of this conversation, but it gives me a chance to repeat yet again a story and a decision he made that I immensely respect him for.

Once he divorced my mom, nobody in his circle smoked except him and my grandfather. So as these things go he would frequently find himself outside, alone, sucking down yet another coffin nail. When we were at family gatherings I'd often go outside with him and chew on my toothpick, just so he wouldn't be out there alone.

One day we were outside at my grandfather's, missing some portion of the yearly Christmas party. Both of us out there in the dark, in the freezing cold, with snow falling all around us and disappearing outside the tiny cone of light from the front porch light. Not even grandpa wanted to be out there with us. We could just barely hear the revelry going on inside, but it was quiet enough outside that the snow hitting the ground was audible.

My father took a contemplative puff, about halfway through the length of his cigarette.

Out of the blue he said, "Why the fuck am I doing this?" This stuck with me, because he didn't cuss around me much.

I looked at him. He looked at me. Then he threw that cigarette out into the snow and never smoked again.

Just like that.