Stop Drinking

I have struggles with PTSD. Some very terrible things have been done to me by people I loved and trusted.

I can be very distracted during the day. I have a very active mind, lots of coping mechanisms and most of the time I’m fine. But it’s trying to sleep that is impossible.

Weed can help, but there’s this pain that hits late at night. It’s crushing. Weed will quiet flashbacks, will help me get to the point that my parasympathetic nervous can kick in and I don’t feel afraid and hyper vigilant, but it can only sometimes help the pain.

Drinking helps. It’s making me sick at this point but I don’t know how else to cope with the black pit of despair. Doomscrolling and drinking all night at least stops the rumination.

And so I pay for help with this and see the therapists I can. There’s barely any options for therapy and I try to journal and do all of the things but it just doesn’t help when I feel like my heart is bleeding out and I need to sleep.

It feels almost physical, a gaping wound that needs a beer to hold it together.