Games

I was actually in the middle of a Half-Life review (spoiler for my next post!) and I got a new Steam Deck in the mail, which thoroughly distracted me for the past few days. That, and I threw my back out, so sitting comfortably at my gaming PC has been impossible lately. Instead, I've been lying in bed, enjoying some of my Deck-ready games like the free Valve game Aperture Desk Job. The screenshots for this post will all be 1280x800, the default resolution for the Steam Deck.

As you may know, Steam (and the Steam Deck) is owned by Valve, the company behind the Half-Life and Portal games, which both take place in the same universe. Aperture Desk Job is a short Portal-esque game they made for the Steam Deck, which teaches you all the controls and functions of the new portable gaming device. While also having a fun, comedic game to play.

The game opens up with a pre-recorded speech from Cave Johnson (voiced by J.K. Simmons), the owner of Aperture Science, welcoming you to the company. That's a portrait of him on the right:

Your view traverses down through various floors of the company as he espouses all the wonderful things that you can do for Aperture Science. After all, you are a gifted scientist who will save humanity with your genius!

...Or not. Turns out they were playing the wrong recording.

It turns out, you're just a lowly product inspector. You're introduced to Grady, a personality core overseeing your new position in the company. Grady is excessively chatty.

He says you're going to be inspecting... something. It's not written on his chart, so he moves on to your inspection desk. Look familiar? It has all the same buttons and joysticks and touch pads as your Steam Deck, including the four buttons on the underside of the device (the L4, L5, R4, and R5 buttons)

Your first product comes down the line and it's a puke-green toilet with a white lid. (Incidentally, it looks EXACTLY like the toilet in my childhood home, right down to the color scheme!)

The board in the back seems pretty self-explanatory, so you start pressing buttons in sequence to go through the whole testing cycle. You fill the tank with water, test pressure on the seat, flush the toilet, then move it down the line.

Grady notices one of the toilets is burning and decides to ignore it and continue testing regardless.

Shenanigans ensue and the burning toilet ends up filled with live ammunition, firing rounds all over the room. Which gives Grady an idea.

Six months later... Grady returns to show off his new invention: the Aperture Science Turret! (See first screenshot) It almost immediately breaks, but he claims that was just the initial prototype and brings out the actual turret he's been working on - the Mark Two. He asks you to take a picture of him with it, for the history books. Which teaches you how to take screenshots with the Steam Deck.

Grady aims it away from you and asks you to test it out. He opens up all the panels on your desk and tells you to go wild, pressing absolutely everything.

You proceed to shoot up the entire warehouse, with enthusiastic encouragement from Grady. Once all the ammunition is spent, Grady comments on how 90% of the features didn't even work. Then police sirens can be heard in the distance...

Grady quickly assigns you to take the blame for the whole incident, while he runs off to "streamline" the turret.

18 months later... you're released from prison on probation, and Grady shows up to claim you. Note that this is an "Aperture Incarceration." Meaning that Aperture Science has their own in-house prison that they can keep law-breaking employees locked up in.

You're required to sign a prisoner release form, which requires 3 forms of identification - vocal recitation of your name, typed name, and signed name. Again, showing off more features of the Steam Deck, including the microphone, on-screen keyboard, and touch screen.

Oh, and it turns out, Grady is now licensed to be a probation officer. He studied for his license while you were incarcerated. So he takes you under his charge and escorts you, and your desk, back to your station. He's very excited to show off the Mark Three version of the turret.

When everything seems to go off without a hitch, Grady informs you he arranged a meeting with Cave Johnson to show off the turret. If all goes smoothly, the two of you could be rich beyond your wildest dreams!

But when does a plot with Grady go smoothly? I'll let you play through the rest to find out what happens.

I enjoyed this little sub-plot going on between the floorboards, where a bunch of praying mantises discover electricity, then rapidly advance as a civilization over the months this game takes place.

Even though Aperture Desk Job is the latest game in the Half-Life/Portal franchise, it actually takes place in an alternate universe. Valve has confirmed that it happens in the "Portal expanded universe," a concept created in the "Perpetual Testing Initiative" DLC for Portal 2. As far as a time frame goes, it's been speculated that it takes place sometime in the '80s-'90s, if this universe's Aperture Science lines up with the main timeline.

Which is kind of a shame, because it was a great opportunity for Valve to introduce more lore to the Half-Life universe. But at least they're continuing to write new stuff for their famous franchises instead of completely abandoning them. COUGHHalf-Life3COUGH

Still, this was a fun little game with plenty of comedy, an opportunity to control an Aperture Science turret to shoot up stuff, and also taught you all the various functions of the Steam Deck. The whole game took maybe 40 minutes to play through, so it's a pretty decent tutorial for the Steam Deck without being a nuisance to sit through.

My first Steam Deck came with this game already at the top of my library, but you can find it on the Steam Store for free. I don't know how well it would play on the desktop, since it's reliant on Steam Deck specific controls, but if you can re-map all the buttons to a controller or keyboard, more power to you!