menby

I love the word choice of integrity for chapter 10 since I think it lends a more masculine appeal compared to other descriptions of this concepts. This would be called living authentically if we were talking about queer people coming out or living wholeheartedly if we were Brene Brown. But the concept is the same about being and living in a way that is honest about who we are and living out values. I love the definition she gives:

Integrity means being whole, unbroken, undivided. It describes a person who has united the different parts of his or her personality, so that there is no longer a split in the soul.

The talk about splitting and compartmentalization is something that I struggle with but mostly relate to sharing hobbies and interests across different groups of people which is not as dramatic of her great example in the book:

We’re all familiar with the man who goes to church on Sunday morning, believing that he loves God and God’s creation and his fellow human beings, but who, on Monday morning, has no trouble with his company’s policy of dumping toxic wastes in the local stream. He can do this because he has religion in one compartment and his business in another.” Since most men have been socialized to believe that compartmentalization is a positive practice, it feels right, it feels comfortable.

I know that with a lot of my peers and the younger generation this split between work values and live values is falling with more people insisting that their job align with their own values which is a great step in the correct direction. You can see still see that there is a big cash incentive to selling out your values which makes it difficult for everyone to make that choice. Same thing with the general generational shift about working yourself to death. Its harder and harder to get people to center work as their only identity which is a great shift and should be encouraged as a way.

With all of these good changes I feel more hopeful with the exception of the need for self growth. I think bell hooks does a good job about talking about this which is something I have struggled with. An emphasis on men doing the work will cure much of societies problems especially loneness. She lays out the problem so clear:

For years patriarchal culture has taught men that their selfhood, their manhood, is affirmed by a lack of interest in personal growth; all of a sudden in the wake of feminist movement, women were bombarding men with new emotional expectations. Collectively men responded with a feeling of depression

This coupled with the need to be in control at all time is a hard change to make. I know that when I started opening up and feeling more I felt awful because I ignored myself for so long. Its hard to open up when the first thing you feel is bad but that is telling you need to change something. Once those changes happen the good feelings come up which makes it worth it but need to struggle first. I think many men don't get past the first stage which is hard without support.