that sucks. :( finding and cultivating a chosen family as an alternative to a family of origin has been a source of resilience for me, though it does make my biological family feel entitled to judge me and be shitty to me as it suits them. I guess because my lack of consistent presence in their lives does not grant them some level of affirmation to which they feel entitled. that must mean my life is easy. because obviously it's so easy to make new friends in distant lands and build new connections when you've had to unlearn bad habits and reconcile habits' origins in trauma.

I console myself with the knowledge that they are all doomed to live with each other until the most bitter end, enabling destructive patterns, manipulating each other for zero sum gains, making each other miserable, because they literally alienate everyone else they know and only have each other and the people they pay to clean their messes and smile and nod at their stories.

I used to try and fight for some kind of honest line of communication to be maintained, but it's become hard to see the point anymore. integrity? is that when I am being held to a higher standard while they can be hippocrites and blame me for their feelings of persecution because I am protecting myself from further abuse? its maddening in the moment when I am actively and suddenly having to resist being pulled in. but when I am back in my life, working my little modest public sector job, sticking to my little budget and unassuming life of pursued contentment, I can see the absurdity in 3 self absorbed, wealthy and comfortable people all fighting for the throne of eternal martyr. in a mansion. in a gated community. with maid service, a continually stocked fridge and near constant vacations to distant lands with weak currencies.

then I can just eye roll to myself, keep doing what I'm doing and not get pulled into the court intrigue of a petite bourgeoisie house in gerontocratic decline.

I think about that one line a lot. the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb. the precarity of our economic context makes the power dynamics have much higher stakes, unfortunately... but maybe they also make the hard fought for freedom taste sweeter?