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this post was submitted on 27 Nov 2024
102 points (98.1% liked)
menby
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A space for masculine folks to talk about living under patriarchy.
Detoxing masculinity since 1990!
You don’t get points for feminism, feminism is expected.
Guidelines:
- Questions over blame
- Humility over pride
- Wisdom over dogma
- Actions over image
Rules (expansions on the guidelines):
- Mistakes should be learning experiences when possible.
- Do not attack comrades displaying vulnerability for what they acknowledge are mistakes.
- If you see good-faith behavior that's toxic, do your best to explain why it's toxic.
- If you don't have the energy to engage, report and move on.
- This includes past mistakes. If you've overcome extreme reactionary behavior, we'd love to know how.
- A widened range of acceptable discussion means a greater need for sensitivity and patience for your comrades.
- Examples:
- "This is reactionary. Here's why."
- "I know that {reality}, but I feel like {toxicity}"
- "I don't understand why this is reactionary, but it feels like it {spoilered details}"
- You are not entitled to the emotional labor of others.
- Constantly info-dumping and letting us sort through your psyche is not healthy for any of us.
- If you feel a criticism of you is unfair, do not lash out.
- If you can't engage self-critically, delete your post.
- If you don't know how to phrase why it's unfair, say so.
- No singular masculine ideal.
- This includes promoting gender-neutral traits like "courage" or "integrity" as "manly".
- Suggestions for an individual to replace a toxic ideal is fine.
- Don't reinforce the idea the fulfillment requires masculinity.
- This also includes tendency struggle-sessions.
- No lifestyle content.
- Post the picture of your new grill in !food (feminine people like grills too smh my head).
- Post the picture of the fish you caught in !sports (feminine people like fish too smdh my damn head).
- At best, stuff like this is off-topic. At worst, it's reinforcing genders norms..
- If you're not trying to be seen as masculine for your lifestyle content, it's irrelevant to this comm. If you are trying to be seen as masculine, let's have a discussion about why these things are seen as masculine.
Resources:
*The Will to Change: Men, Masculinity, and Love by Bell Hooks
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Finished the book earlier today, lot to process and think through. It’s a similar feeling to reading Kapital where everything suddenly just clicks and the entire world is recontextualized in a way that makes so much more sense. I didn’t realize how deep the patriarchal brain worms go, the book does a great job of getting you to look back at your childhood and see the ways you’ve been conditioned from day one. I’m still making connections between a lot of different thoughts, feelings, and formative experiences, everything really goes back to the same place. I didn’t realize that I have so much deeply ingrained misogyny to excise, so many ways my behavior and thinking is molded by adhering to a patriarchal ideal.
I hope to get my thoughts together and contribute more to further discussion threads, I’m just immensely grateful to everyone here that recommended this book! I’ve already started pushing it on everyone I know that I think would be even slightly receptive, it’s such a good introduction to feminist ideas. Begged my girlfriend to read it to no avail, really hoping I can get her to eventually as I’m not nearly as eloquent as bell hooks. Also doesn’t help that I can’t even try to describe some of the things mentioned without tearing up. I feel like this book perfectly describes the alienation I’ve felt from being with women that ask me to open up and then ignore me/get upset when I actually do. Fingers crossed it goes differently this time, I’ve already spoken very frankly about suicidal ideation and depression with her. Cried in her arms before we even officially started to date so if that didn’t scare her off hopefully some theory won’t
Feminism is for Everyone is another great bell hooks book. It broader in topic but has a whole chapter in Feminism and Masculinity which is a good primer for this book. Might be an easier sell