Every time I’ve tried to use a bidet, I’ve hated it. The water feels uncomfortable and sudden, and then I feel like I either can’t get dry with toilet paper and get chapped later, or it breaks up from the water and leaves pieces everywhere. The air dry varieties seem to contribute to chapped butt too. I know some people use wash cloths, but frankly the idea of leaving butthole cloth out in the bathroom weirds me out also.

What is the secret to enjoying these things? Am I just too damn American for them?

Depends on the water that ur toilet gets. They usually hook up to the toilet reservoir intake (I don't know the actual word for this, it's just the backrest part). All the bidets I've used have been fine, I haven't had any thatre like too hot or too cold then again, unlike Goldilocks, I'm not too picky ab temperature.

I actually don't mind it, especially in the summer. You can get heated ones that cost more. Maybe my anus isn't that temperature sensitive?

How does getting in the shower save time over the 10 seconds it takes to spray your bhole?

I can see why you would think that happens, but it either doesn't happen, or it does and the shit water gets washed away by the continuous spray of clean water just like taking a shower.