this post was submitted on 13 Oct 2024
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That’s exactly why I quit caring to try. I achieved a few dreams and felt..nothing. No sense of pride or accomplishment after burning my life away with no time or energy to make friends for years at a time or enjoy the few things I can still enjoy.
I just wish I had the desire to make friends or keep them. Every step we take in this world requires other people, and yet the most exhausting thing in this world to me is company. I can’t have a career of any kind because the whole idea of doing a social dance makes me want to vomit. It just isn’t in me.
I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad.
I always wanted to be a musician and I recorded a lot of songs when I was younger. I got pretty good at it even, and then I just stopped one day because I stopped feeling sad. I never shared any of it really. I still play, I just don’t take it seriously or write any more. I want to, because I put so much of myself into it. When I listen to a record I love, all I can do after is dream about making something that someone would love that much, but even if I did I’d never put it out there.
I don’t even know why I typed this out. Your comment just opened me up I guess.
Fuck it. Here’s one of those songs I wrote a thousand years ago.
https://mega.nz/file/c0lkyZiT#MrSCD8ZCK_W5QmU5hekJrhhP-J3tGKUHvpAR748MQ10
There, now I’ve shared one.
Society equating depression with sadness is a great disservice to the condition. It's quite common for it to present as just ... nothing. An emotional void where you might expect emotions to be. Things that would be expected to make you happy just don't. Things that would make you sad, the same. Your feelings are depressed in the sense that their impact is just muted across the board.
A lack of motivation is also a very common indicator. You're just missing the drive to do something because the emotional rewards that you expect to happen when you accomplish your goals just aren't there.
For me I always liked to describe it as feeling like a tool. You just work as expected when needed. There is no feels, no life, no identy. When needed, you function exactly in the way society expects* and then you get put back into the dark garden shed.
Yeah that describes me pretty well, but I’m not bummed. I mean, not really.
I don’t know. I could use therapy, but I must not have been honest enough because through my drug rehab program I was in therapy and they decided that I didn’t need it any more. They said that if I felt like I did, I could tell them, but I always want to just grab my meds, joke with the doctor, and get out of there.
I don’t know. If I am depressed I’m surviving. I wasn’t surviving before. I was just paralyzed and waiting for death. I felt like a living thing though without having to think about it, but I didn’t want to be a living thing. Now I do, and my life is objectively a mess but I’m doing better than I ever have, so it’s hard to say I’m depressed when I’m doing better than ever.
Life is a challenge, and that sucks because so far for me, it has flown by.
Eh, maybe I am depressed. I was miserable when I was younger though and I’ll take what I have now any day haha.
"I’m not depressed, at least I don’t think I am. I don’t really feel sad."
Definitely sounds familiar to my experience a couple years before my depression diagnosis. I'm not saying that I think you're depressed, it definitely manifests differently from person to person. For me it feels like a really heavy blanket draped over my mind that holds me down from doing the things I want to, but I am very comfortable underneath that blanket.
Im going to check out your song when I have time later today. I hope you continue making music, we all need something to put ourselves into.
Edit: I just listened to the song, super heart felt and full of emotion. You've gotta make time to do more of that.
Duuude that song was great! The ending reminded me a lot of Elliott Smith. Loved it and am adding it to my library. Thank you for sharing! :)
Thank you for listening to it, and definitely thank you for adding it to your library.
That’s actually how I heard of Elliott Smith. I put a couple songs on mp3.com when I was a teenager and several people compared me to him. I listened and I’ve been hooked since. It’s funny, because after I listened to him his influence poured into everything I did after.
Seriously thank you for listening. For fun, here’s one of my favorites that I ever did. Hope you like it too. I was probably 22 when I did this one.
https://mega.nz/file/E00nzD7C#DGOB4O51EalvIREhqAepIe98jvrVIeagR8jcPbmNGgk
And now I’ve shared two. :)
I listened. For what it's worth.
I appreciate that.
I was married to a milionair for 4 years. His family was INSANE. Movie style milionairs. I had anithing and everything I wanted, best clothes, personal trainner, home gym, personal chef, a driver and would travel the world, but I almost killed myself twice. There is only so much shoping you can do before it stops being at all fun.
I left him (and his fucked up family)and got myself a psychiatrist that put me on great meds. I got nothing from him, I didn't wan't to have to deal with them at all. I'm now indeed fat, poor, have to.work to pay bills, old and single but I have never been so happy.
It seems it is a product of modern western style culture. Move away from family for independence, spend best days of life slogging away to live paycheck to paycheck.
I worked with a few filipinos that immigrates to Canada. While the believe Canada is a good place to live, they mention the lonely culture here. They said in the Phillapines every weekend, or sometines day, was a party with friends or family. They always made up a party to celebrate something.
I think we have forgotten that communty village living is what humans evovled to, and yearn.
Another Filipino said canada is great, but everything needs money. Housing is expensive, food is expensive, cars, and all the bills. He said back home we live more simple, no need for a heating bill because of climate, no need for a water bill. If I want water I drill a hole in the ground. So life is about living not earning