so I went to my sister's 30th birthday party which was nice. got to talking with two of her college friends, both women, one of whom i got along with particularly well and found attractive. then later my sister mentions the two of them are dating.

my god, the envy that rose up in me. not even about the girl in specific, just that they get to be two pretty girls dating. suddenly i felt so trapped in how I am. Have you ever been stuck in a tight space and know struggling won't do any good, and in fact will only make it worse, but there's still the overwhelming urge to scream and thrash like an animal until you're a hot, raging heap? That's what welled up in me. And later, a certainty that things cannot go on as they are for much longer, one way or another