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When a parent or guardian we trust beats or causes serious violence upon us: how and why do we "love" them going forward? (lemmy.world)

submitted 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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I should clarify about the love part.

I would equate it to Stockholm Syndrome. I guess its like pets. They don't have anywhere else to turn :(

Edit: fawning is probably the closest to the answer I was looking for

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

I made a post talking about my personal experience.

This post is more of a safety check. As a couple of other people pointed out you don't have to. And if the abuse is continuing, focus on your safety first.

I didn't speak to my father for 6 years. When he came back into my life, I think he understood that he couldn't take the relationship for granted. And that if he treated me like shit, I would never talk to him again.

I don't know that he really changed. But he does respect my boundaries now. Even if it's more out of fear of the consequences than compassion for me. And trying to understand and forgive has helped me to develop more compassion.

But I had stopped the cycle of abuse by setting a firm boundary with him. And that had to happen before any sort of trust could be rebuilt. And to be honest, that was his job. He needed to respect my boundaries to earn my trust. Trust is earned it's not given, after all. And without safety and trust, love can't flow.

So yeah, don't put it on yourself either. You are the victim of abuse. Restorative justice, such as making amends, rebuilding trust, and ultimately hoping that love can be there again, that's the job of the person that did the damage.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago) (1 children)

Its sad it takes us being fully independant and able to pull away in an enforceable way for them to get the message that they're not god and they are not omnipotent as far as we are involved.

Its like: why the fuck did you have us if you weren't ready to take that on and even so, why couldn't you fucking leave us alone in lieu of all the active abuse and enforced profiting off our labor and suffering.

I would choose neglect 10/10 if i tmean they left me the fuck alone and didn't interfere in my being as ok as I could make myself given the circumstances

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 months ago* (last edited 4 months ago)

Yeah for real.

I'm so grateful I had someplace to go to. My stepdad was not great either but he was much easier to cope with than my father. And my mom is my role model for compassion in this world.

Unfortunately in my case the cycle of abuse continued with my stepbrother when my dad remarried. Which is why I have doubts about him really getting the message. And my stepbrother ended up moving out when he was 17 and couchsurfing through the rest of high school.

Anyway, I made a edit to my post above. I just wanted to point out that we are the victims of abuse. Restoring the relationship is on the shoulders of the person that caused the damage to the relationship right. It's up to them to make amends and rebuild trust. And without rebuilding trust there can't be love. So, it's really not our job.

Finding compassion and understanding for everyone can still be really helpful though in that it can lead to deeper self understanding. Which requires kind of stepping back and looking at the factors that contributed to the cycle. But that doesn't mean you need to let an abusive person into your life. Or feel warmth towards them. Even if they do try to make amends, it's completely acceptable to just not have the spoons to deal with it.