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It's been difficult for me. I find understanding helps a lot.
I view a lot of the abuse and family violence that I both experienced and witnessed, as a sort of generational shame and resentment, partially due to poverty and Catholicism. Coupled with jealousy of people born into more privilege who lived in our community. And a healthy dose of substance use to cope with the above feelings, primarily in the shape of alcohol, but also a lot of stimulant abuse in the family.
It helps a lot that my father has softened quite a bit. I don't know that he's completely changed in the sense of understanding how he has hurt people. But he seems to treat his current wife well, and with all of the male children out of the house the cycle of abuse seems to have stopped. And he has acknowledged how he's hurt me when I've brought it up, at least generally. And been supportive and not abusive since I turned 18.
I've also had to do a lot of personal work, a lot of self-discovery. And a lot of work with an excellent trauma therapist using IFS and EMDR, along with a meditation practice at home.
And all of that said it's a process. Sometimes my trauma gets triggered and I'm right there as a 12-year-old pissed off at him again. Which is to say give yourself some grace too.
I appreciate this, particularly for the IFS-informed aspect. I feel like IFS is gonna be an increasingly mentioned modality
Yeah it's really effective. And becomes a practice in its own right of self-care. It's also one of the modalities MAPS is using in MDMA treatment protocols.
There's parallels in my Buddhist practice. Which is in the plum village tradition. Thich Nhat Hanh uses language like embracing the anger with your mindfulness and holding it like a mother would hold a crying infant. So, while the technical language is different it can be very similar to the IFS process and the two help inform each other for me. Compassionate inquiry is another one I've heard of but not studied. Which also has strong parallels.
Sometimes I catch myself just holding space while two parts have a loving conversation with each other. Which is a nice change from always being at war with myself.