fayyhana

I'm asking from a place of genuine curiousity, as a bi trans woman I ask myself this question regularly and never quite settle on an answer. I suppose the key question I ask myself is was I born trans and spent 25 years figuring it out, or was it something that developed and grew as I matured?

My inspiration for this question is this video: https://www.ted.com/talks/dr_lisa_diamond_why_the_born_this_way_argument_does_not_advance_lgbt_equality

Obviously I don't think it matters, lgbtq rights and legitmacy shouldn't be tied to the idea that "they can't help it, they were born that way", it's just the right thing to support. And even if it isn't something you are born with that doesn't automatically make it a "choice" that one could consciously change (or be tortured, a la conversion therapy, out of), there are many parts of my identity that I wasn't born with but are now core parts of me.

Idk, I'm interested to hear others' thoughts. I feel as if my self-discovery was somewhat delayed because I had the idea that if I were trans, I would absolutely know because it'd be some core part of me that I was born with, and how could you be ignorant of that? I feel like, if someone told me at 18 "You know you can choose to be a girl if you want" and showed me a picture of post-transition me, I'd probably would've started questioning then instead of years later. In some ways I feel as if I chose to be trans, but is it really a choice if I would pick the same answer every time? Was I predetermined to choose to transition? Could there be a person born gay/trans, but never realize it? Would they still be gay/trans if neither they nor anyone else knew it?

And what about the future? Lately I've been thinking that an identity like non-binary or agender might fit me better. Does that mean I've been wrongly interpreting my true self? Ultimately whether there's some true, fixed identity buried deep in my psyche and I'm just trying to interpret it, or if that doesn't exist and my identity is just this fluid thing I consciously construct and am constantly revisiting, I think the outcome is the same. Personally, I prefer the idea that my gender identity and sexuality are fluid, ever-changing things that evolve as I grow and experience the world. I'd like to have it where I didn't feel shame or guilt when I continue to question my gender or sexuality after already coming out. I'd like to be able to enjoy my pre-transition memories as a legitimate part of me and my journey, rather than a false me that should be buried away and seldom talked about.

I realize this is a very subjective experience, and other people will relate differently to the things I wrote about. I'm not trying to prescribe a certain way to approach this topic, I'm just interested to hear other people's thoughts on the matter. Solidarity forever comrades.

:hexbear-pride: :flag-bi-pride: :flag-gay-pride: :flag-gay-pride-mlm: :flag-pan-pride: :flag-demi-pride: :flag-trans-pride: :hexbear-gay-pride: :flag-agender-pride: :flag-asexual-pride: :flag-lesbian-pride: :flag-aromantic-pride: :flag-non-binary-pride: :flag-genderfluid-pride: :flag-intersex-pride: :flag-genderfluid-pride: :flag-genderqueer-pride: