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Long story short, I've known that I was trans long before I had even heard the word. There were signs as early as 4 years old and I knew by the time I was 8. I'm in my late 30's now and I had come to a kind of peace about not transitioning. It's something that I want but because of life, family, and a lot of fear I decided not to.

Recently a very close friend who I've know for decades came out to me as a trans woman.

I want to tell her about myself but I'm worried about planting seeds of doubt about her transition because I've known I was trans for so long and yet haven't started transitioning myself. I'm afraid that if I try and explain why that she might internalize my reasons. If that makes sense. I've never told anyone my truth and I'd so love to have someone to talk to about it. Especially since my friends transition is causing me to second guess myself.

I would appreciate some thoughts on whether I should tell my friend.

Photo of text from Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut. The text says "Big tits will get you in anywhere."

We all have those moments where we think back on something we did and cringe at it. Over the past year though I've begun to do it almost every waking moment.

I began to say to myself in my head "fuuuuuck fuck fuck fuck" and "I want to die" and eventually I started to mutter it under my breath. Now I'm starting to just blurt it out without thinking at inappropriate moments. It's probably only a matter of time before that gets me in trouble. I know my wife has heard me before and now she doesn't ask what's wrong, she just looks at me.

It's gotten to the point too where it doesn't start with the memory of an action but while I'm still performing the action or in a conversation.

I don't really want to die, probably. But this shit is weird. Am I going crazy? I'm worried that soon I will be paralyzed and unable to act or interact at all. Maybe I'm already there, who knows.