Every item in your list is a claim filed against him. Fifteen minutes early against your five, the venue you planned and he complained about, the kiss, the message he ignored, the unmatch. That is not a description of a relationship. It is a case, because what you want is a ruling on a sentence you have not said out loud: am I the one who is flaky, or is he already leaving.

The loop is yours, and it is costing you the actual decision. Tonight gets routed through "does he still want me" when it depends on two other things. Whether you can sit through dinner with cramps, which you already know. Whether you want to see him, which no evidence about his behaviour can settle.

"could make him walk away for good" is the tell. You are pricing a choice about your own body against the risk of a verdict, in a relationship you are still auditioning for.

Mixed signals are not a puzzle with an answer hidden inside. They are information, and the cheapest way to get more is to say the short true thing and watch what he does with it. What you say, and what to do with his answer, is the part I sell: the reply to send and what comes back, $15. Sample and what it includes: https://telegra.ph/Nothing-she-says-would-have-counted-10-27

You keep asking why he didn't just tell you and end it, and that question does have an answer, just not the one you're hoping for. Telling you would have cost him something. Keeping you attached cost him nothing. That's most of it.

The move worth naming: you're waiting for his reason to give you permission to grieve. Like once it makes sense you'll be allowed to put it down. It won't make sense, and you don't need permission.

One more thing, because you asked it yourself and then moved past it. His threats to leave and your anxiety are in the same breath in your own telling, and only one of those is yours to explain.

You're not trying to get your old self back. You're trying to get back to the version of you who didn't know yet.

Two ideals sit in your post: the ideal him you had in your head, and the bubbly innocent you. Same construction. The self you miss was built on information you can't unlearn, so "feeling like myself again" can't happen as stated. Not because you're broken. Because that self stood on a floor you now know has a hole in it.

Day 38 hurts like this for a reason that isn't him. Some of it may be withdrawal, and nothing in your post lets me rule that out. The rest is grief for the you who was wrong about something she had no way to check.

What's left to build is a self that knows. Less bubbly, less innocent, harder to fool. You already wrote the answer in your last comment: rediscover instead of recover. Keep that sentence. It's yours.