I'm sorry. I don't know why this appeared in my head.

Did you ever have that dream, where you are inexplicably the opposite sex, and you start a new life and everything's great, and then you wake up to crushing disappointment and it feels like your life is empty?

And then you realize you're trans, and everything makes sense.

And then you start to transition, and start a new life and everything's great, and ...

Oh god am I about to wake up as my AGAB again? This can't be happening to me; I knew I'd never get to be happy ...

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it. It's not just me that sometimes feels like this, right?

HRT is wild, y'all. Is it weird to be attracted to my own body odor?

Um. So. I've been wearing a lot of tight sweaters recently and starting to show a bit too much nipple, so I bought some bras. Why just now? I guess I felt I didn't really "deserve" one, or I'd be "dressing up", or something, and wanted to wait for a good reason. Or two :3

Anyway, it's super comfortable, the padding really helps with sensitivity, and I looove what it does for my silhouette. BUT. I've been dressing somewhat androgynous up till now to give my hair / face time to catch up, and to me at least this is a big step into "this person is obviously dressing fem (wearing a bra)" territory. Which is kind of scary.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, sorry. I like presenting fem; I want to be perceived as fem; but I guess I'm kind of scared I look like a man in drag? Is anybody actually going to notice?

So I started DIY a few months ago using estradiol gel for monotherapy (2.5g 0.06% gel applied scrotally twice a day for a total of 3 mg estradiol / day). I saw plenty of expected effects, including nipple sensitivity and no more spontaneous erections (after a month or so even direct stimulation was starting to get less effective). No blood tests, but I conclude estrogen levels are probably OK-ish and testosterone must be somewhat suppressed.

This month, I get on prescription injections instead at last. The standard course here is monotherapy, 10 or 20 mg estradiol valerate (Progynon) as an IM depot injection every two weeks. Different schedules, progestogens, anti-androgens etc are available but I'm probably going to have to advocate for that myself if necessary. First injection, 10mg; I stopped using gel that day. All seems OK, but a few days in, I start getting erections at night again. Weird, but I assume it could be an occasional thing. By day six, they're happening every night, sometimes getting semi-hard during the day too. Nipple sensitivity has pretty much gone so I conclude the injection has worn off and go back on gel. Everything reverts to "gel normal" as above.

Injection two, two weeks after the first, I get 20mg this time. Stop gel again. After a few hours, boom lots of breast sensitivity / swelling. I'm guessing this is a pretty good indicator of E levels. That's slowly dropped down to gel-like levels over the subsequent few days and what do you know, the erections are back again. I conclude peak levels were a bit higher than gel, but dropping off rapidly again and probably not going to last the full two weeks. (This is consistent with the simulator on transfem science).

I'll be asking for blood tests next time and checking with the doctor, but I'd like to get a straw poll: does anybody see random erections even with T suppressed? Am I overthinking things? I'm not seeing a massive return of BO or anything, so I assume T isn't getting that high, but god damn I hate waking up to that thing.

The hatching.

There were two things I needed to hear:

• Anyone can just be trans. It's up to you.
• Maybe you do have dysphoria, maybe you are trans, and you just haven't realized it yet.

egg remembers.

Previously...

Do you think she was trying to tell me something?

Eggy thoughts from my past self.

The final print volume of the manga is out, and I guess this will be the plot of the movie, so spoiler alert!

Is Makoto trans? IMHO, it doesn't matter, and that's the point. This is a really trans- and (queer-) positive story.

Aside from the obvious themes of trans presentation and queer romance (whether Makoto is trans or not then at least one of Ryuji and Saki ain't straight!), there is a very strong message of self-acceptance.

Makoto's grandfather's arc teaches us to accept ourselves, even at the potential cost of estranging our family (and although it isn't shown, it's pretty clear that the path is open for reconciliation with Makoto's mother). There's a great line from the neighbor too after doing Makoto's makeup: you decide whether it suits you!

The Ryuji/Saki + Makoto romance line is all about how there are people who will appreciate you for your true self, and you don't have to lose your friends.

Saki in particular struggles with what it means to find someone "special", and who she should live with: in the end she realizes you can just decide it for yourself! And also comes to understand that while her parents maybe fit the socially-expected role, it's the people that actually care for and are there for her (her grandmother and Makoto) that are important.

And then there's "I just want to live as me" Makoto. Maybe a femboy; maybe a trans girl; certainly exploring. This of course echoes that "but am I really trans" self-doubt, and the answer is: it doesn't matter! It's up to you! Just be yourself (can't be anyone else!). Makoto recognizes himself in his grandfather, and turns there for advice in the end. By the end of the story, all the characters are living more true to themselves, and are happier for it.

Plus seeing Makoto's hair gradually growing out hit me right in the feels 🥲

PS I only realized recently than Pom is also the creator of trans meme icon Kurumi-chan! (Menhera-chan) I hope we see more from this author in the future.

I mean it's not bad, but I still got that husky clocky thing going on. Still need to dial in the sharpness, get more consistent, and find the confidence to go all-in.

I always wondered why that line resonated with me so much... now I get it.