I just realized it's been half a year since I started transitioning. So here's a summary of everything I've experienced so far. I hope it's helpful to someone.

Early signs

There were occasional things as a young child that, on reflection, were rather suggestive, but certainly by puberty I was explicitly praying to wake up as a girl. Realized that this was problematic and start suppressing and avoiding femininity. Fantasies, bouts of depression, alcoholism and overeating continue as life happens. Fast forward several decades to last year.

Egg crack

A combination of three things led me to finally realize that something might be wrong.

• A particularly strong depression with feelings that something big was missing from my life.
• Unable to buy clothes, or let someone else buy them for me, despite current items falling apart.
• Getting drunk and announcing that I'm a girl. Multiple times. Yeah, still didn't realize even then.

I start consuming a lot of trans content and find my way to egg_irl where I learn that the trans experience isn't just "a woman trapped in a man's body". As a desperate attempt to repudiate, I try to imagine what my response to all this would be if I was trans. Egg detonates.

Coming out

After a week of panic I tell my wife and start experimenting with presenting fem. Experience gender euphoria for the first time. Realize this is something that's got to happen, and start to transition. Come out to close friends, immediate family and a few coworkers (I work remote).

Presentation

I've been slowly sliding through androgyny heading towards pure fem. Started painting my nails pretty early and kept going. Experimented with make-up but haven't been doing it very regularly. My clothing is a bit more reserved when seeing people who knew me before (and that I'm not explicitly out to), but I think most people are starting to realize / comment that something is up. Otherwise anything goes; I've worked up the courage to wear skirts outside.

Probably the biggest change is losing 30kg or so. I'd like to shed a little bit more, but I'm back into the "normal" BMI range for the first time since I was a kid. This was just through eating less, nothing fancy.

I've been growing out my hair, going from buzz-cut to just starting to get in my eyes if I pull it straight. It's quite curly so growing out rather than down atm. Mostly I just hide it under a wool hat.

Four sessions done of laser on my face. They upped the power for the last session, which was a bit painful. It's working pretty well, but there's still quite a bit of shadow left.

HRT

Started DIY after about two months. Then prescription injections, and now patches. All monotherapy. HRT is very nice. I'm a little over four months on E, now.

Libido

Pretty much zero, right from the start. Kind of looking forward to girl-horny, but it's nice to not be bothered by it.

Skin

Looking nice now! Smooth and dry, needs moisturizing and hard to grip things.

Hair

Not really seeing much change here yet.

Smell

Way better than I was expecting. Pretty much odorless for the first three months, but now I smell like a girl. Except when my levels get low and the T stink starts to come back.

Face

Definitely different, but I wouldn't say obviously female yet. I'm reasonably confident that in time I'll be able to pass without FFS.

Body fat

Not much change here yet.

Chest

Boobs! They're small, but they're there. Definitely sensitive, but not too bad. Currently A cup or thereabouts. I was used to man-boobs from being fat, but these are clearly a different shape and firmer.

Mood

Overall significantly calmer and way less anxiety, possibly just due to coming out. I can cry more easily, but not the crazy ball of emotions I was expecting.

Muscle mass

Not noticed too much change yet. I was never particularly muscular.

Metabolism

Appetite has increased, but I can't eat as much. Presumably just due to dieting? Also I'm constantly cold now, but again that could be down to losing weight.

Girldick

Meh. It's different. Just cut it off already.

Voice

I like to sing (karaoke, not professionally!), and I realized I had a pretty good handle on pitch and resonance already. So one day I just started trying to talk in girl-voice. It varies from "kind of hoarse and strange" to "pretty good". I found audiation helps a lot: imagining in your head how you want to sound before speaking (musicians will hopefully understand). I haven't used my original voice in months.

Some people who know me have commented that my voice is "higher" or "cuter" now. I don't know whether or not I'd pass on the phone.

Passing

It's hard to tell, since there isn't a sir / madam distinction here. I think it probably depends on the situation, but my best guess is that I'm fairly androgynous at the moment. My hair isn't really long enough for a feminine style yet. Yeah, I know about pixie cuts and so on, but think that only works if the rest of you looks feminine enough.

Going forward

I'm transitioning fairly publicly, so I plan to come out to people who know me if they ask. Otherwise hoping to stealth eventually.

Not brave enough to use female bathrooms yet, so I mostly use the family / disabled one if I'm out. I haven't used the men's in a while.

Planning to change my legal name maybe this year? I've asked a few people to use my new name already (first names aren't often used here except among close friends). Can't change my official gender any time soon due to dumb laws.

I'm pretty sure SRS is going to happen at some point, but no firm plans yet.

Well, that's it! Any questions?

I'm sorry. I don't know why this appeared in my head.

Did you ever have that dream, where you are inexplicably the opposite sex, and you start a new life and everything's great, and then you wake up to crushing disappointment and it feels like your life is empty?

And then you realize you're trans, and everything makes sense.

And then you start to transition, and start a new life and everything's great, and ...

Oh god am I about to wake up as my AGAB again? This can't be happening to me; I knew I'd never get to be happy ...

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm not imagining it. It's not just me that sometimes feels like this, right?

HRT is wild, y'all. Is it weird to be attracted to my own body odor?

Um. So. I've been wearing a lot of tight sweaters recently and starting to show a bit too much nipple, so I bought some bras. Why just now? I guess I felt I didn't really "deserve" one, or I'd be "dressing up", or something, and wanted to wait for a good reason. Or two :3

Anyway, it's super comfortable, the padding really helps with sensitivity, and I looove what it does for my silhouette. BUT. I've been dressing somewhat androgynous up till now to give my hair / face time to catch up, and to me at least this is a big step into "this person is obviously dressing fem (wearing a bra)" territory. Which is kind of scary.

I'm not really sure what I'm asking here, sorry. I like presenting fem; I want to be perceived as fem; but I guess I'm kind of scared I look like a man in drag? Is anybody actually going to notice?

So I started DIY a few months ago using estradiol gel for monotherapy (2.5g 0.06% gel applied scrotally twice a day for a total of 3 mg estradiol / day). I saw plenty of expected effects, including nipple sensitivity and no more spontaneous erections (after a month or so even direct stimulation was starting to get less effective). No blood tests, but I conclude estrogen levels are probably OK-ish and testosterone must be somewhat suppressed.

This month, I get on prescription injections instead at last. The standard course here is monotherapy, 10 or 20 mg estradiol valerate (Progynon) as an IM depot injection every two weeks. Different schedules, progestogens, anti-androgens etc are available but I'm probably going to have to advocate for that myself if necessary. First injection, 10mg; I stopped using gel that day. All seems OK, but a few days in, I start getting erections at night again. Weird, but I assume it could be an occasional thing. By day six, they're happening every night, sometimes getting semi-hard during the day too. Nipple sensitivity has pretty much gone so I conclude the injection has worn off and go back on gel. Everything reverts to "gel normal" as above.

Injection two, two weeks after the first, I get 20mg this time. Stop gel again. After a few hours, boom lots of breast sensitivity / swelling. I'm guessing this is a pretty good indicator of E levels. That's slowly dropped down to gel-like levels over the subsequent few days and what do you know, the erections are back again. I conclude peak levels were a bit higher than gel, but dropping off rapidly again and probably not going to last the full two weeks. (This is consistent with the simulator on transfem science).

I'll be asking for blood tests next time and checking with the doctor, but I'd like to get a straw poll: does anybody see random erections even with T suppressed? Am I overthinking things? I'm not seeing a massive return of BO or anything, so I assume T isn't getting that high, but god damn I hate waking up to that thing.

The hatching.

There were two things I needed to hear:

• Anyone can just be trans. It's up to you.
• Maybe you do have dysphoria, maybe you are trans, and you just haven't realized it yet.

egg remembers.

Previously...

Do you think she was trying to tell me something?

Eggy thoughts from my past self.

The final print volume of the manga is out, and I guess this will be the plot of the movie, so spoiler alert!

Is Makoto trans? IMHO, it doesn't matter, and that's the point. This is a really trans- and (queer-) positive story.

Aside from the obvious themes of trans presentation and queer romance (whether Makoto is trans or not then at least one of Ryuji and Saki ain't straight!), there is a very strong message of self-acceptance.

Makoto's grandfather's arc teaches us to accept ourselves, even at the potential cost of estranging our family (and although it isn't shown, it's pretty clear that the path is open for reconciliation with Makoto's mother). There's a great line from the neighbor too after doing Makoto's makeup: you decide whether it suits you!

The Ryuji/Saki + Makoto romance line is all about how there are people who will appreciate you for your true self, and you don't have to lose your friends.

Saki in particular struggles with what it means to find someone "special", and who she should live with: in the end she realizes you can just decide it for yourself! And also comes to understand that while her parents maybe fit the socially-expected role, it's the people that actually care for and are there for her (her grandmother and Makoto) that are important.

And then there's "I just want to live as me" Makoto. Maybe a femboy; maybe a trans girl; certainly exploring. This of course echoes that "but am I really trans" self-doubt, and the answer is: it doesn't matter! It's up to you! Just be yourself (can't be anyone else!). Makoto recognizes himself in his grandfather, and turns there for advice in the end. By the end of the story, all the characters are living more true to themselves, and are happier for it.

Plus seeing Makoto's hair gradually growing out hit me right in the feels 🥲

PS I only realized recently than Pom is also the creator of trans meme icon Kurumi-chan! (Menhera-chan) I hope we see more from this author in the future.

I mean it's not bad, but I still got that husky clocky thing going on. Still need to dial in the sharpness, get more consistent, and find the confidence to go all-in.