EDIT: For those concerned about how this story sounds: I'm leaving out a ton of detail for the sake of brevity. The history of how I've felt about possibly being trans technically goes back since I was a kid. And over the past years its been more notable and its intensified in the past few months. Past few days are just sort of a sudden cracking of the egg.
EDIT2: Also, HRT doesn't bring about any permanent effects for the first few months is what I've read. Just softening of the skin basically and emotional changes. Some of you freaking out about me immediately starting HRT are being alarmist. If by some incredibly unlikely situation I end up hating being on HRT I'll figure it out within the first month or three and stop. But I know that's not going to happen TBH.
So, let me give some quick explanation on how I got here: Last Thursday, a girl I was essentially obsessed with told me to fuck off forever, even as a friend. To be honest I alienated my entire friend group surrounding her. I deserved this by any conventional measure, but that's not what I want to litigate.
I had been on a mental loop essentially obsessing over her, and when it was clear I'd not get to even be her friend anymore, let alone be with her romantically, I realized I had absolutely nothing to think about or put my energy into. She was kind of part of my last (I'm autistic) hyper fixation of romance that had crumbled before me. I went from Video games to Politics to Romance. I cared about nothing for a few days, purely operating on survival mode, work was absolutely miserable and free time I sat around doing essentially nothing but thinking and watching garbage youtube. I did not want to live anymore, though I had suicidal ideation even before she rejected even my friendship.
Saturday night and Sunday morning, in bed I ruminated about the only thing left basically all night waking up randomly: myself. My identity. Who the fuck am I? I wont get to heavy into details but I realized I was in denial with my "gender ambivalence" I wasn't ambivalent. I'm a transwoman. I told a friend and they immediately called me "Girrl!" and called me by a feminine form of my name via text. I immediately liked this to an extreme degree. And I think this kind of confirms it. I literally had a strong emotional sense of pleasure. I've never been excited to be a guy.
I feel both amazingly good about this revelation but also extremely... sad. I'm 38. I feel like I missed out on literally the best possible years to be a woman and I'm about to go into the worst. And the years I lived as a man were pretty terrible. I feel like I've been cheated.
I've realized the only real way I'm going to manage any real romance is to embrace who I actually am and stop pretending. I thought all my masking was to appear allistic (I'm autistic) but I was also essentially masking my gender. Pretending to be a guy. And I fucking suck at it.
Fortunately, I've aged surprisingly well despite being 38. I have all my hair. I already have a somewhat elven-esque pretty boy face even today that I think will not really require facial work. I have a "sing-song" voice for a guy. I am naturally relatively lanky/thin. Because I'm an indoors and night time person I've suffered minimal to zero UV damage to my skin and I don't smoke.
This almost stings more though: god how cute I could have been! What an absolute waste. But there is something to be salvaged at least. I plan to start HRT ASAP. I intend to call Planned Parenthood today.
Anyway, the actual question is: Other than HRT, what do I do now? What do I need to be careful about? What should I avoid? What should I try?
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