Alcoholism. I don't think I'll ever be completely done with it but I don't feel like I'm dying anymore and I don't feel like dying anymore.

Honestly, life itself.

At 15, I thought I’d be dead by 18.

At 18, I thought I’d be dead by 20.

At 21, I thought I’d be dead by 24.

At 24, I thought I’d be dead by 28.

At 28, I transitioned and think I’ll be dead by 95? Maybe? Either way, the grayscale world has had its color turned way up and life’s worth living now. I’m 41.

Turns out, having a deep-seated sense of wrongness can lead to life itself being challenging.

At one point, I was undergoing a divorce that threatened to ruin me financially and estrange me from my kids. The stress triggered an underlying previously unknown-to-me autoimmune disease (Crohn's) that left me in wracking pain and unable to control my bowels. At the same time, my job was threatened and I had to pull 10+ hour debugging sessions. And because of contentious divorce allegations, I was getting drug tested and couldn't even chew an edible.

It was during those months that I learned:

• I cannot self-terminate. If I could, I would have.
• Graduate-level science and math courses on YouTube that you are not actually getting graded on are the greatest salvation. No stress, only info that is real, challenging, and deeply meaningful.
• Chocolate milk can save your life

My divorce.

He had asked me to quit my job to focus on supporting him in his career after he graduated college. Months where my life was cleaning up after him, making him breakfast, etc…

It really turned into a cult thing. My entire world was him, and then he tossed me out. Financially ruined, no support from family.

But I’m finally on the way up I think.

Torts. First time I took an exam and walked out thinking I'd failed. B+. That's typical for law school. If you walk out thinking you aced an exam, they made the exam too easy, so you'll probably get a B with a 95%.

I had two absolutely horrible breakups. Both felt like they were never ending and that the pain would be forever. It did indeed take me a while to get over heartbreak but there eventually was light at the end of the tunnel