I don’t think I agree with your benchmark. You might be at your lowest ebb, but they might be too. Your expectations are subjective and they can’t predict them. My cut off is cruelty. If you are malicious and inflict deliberate suffering I’m out.

I had some "friends" that ended up being two of the most toxic people I've ever known. They intentionally try and learn dirt on other people in the group to soak drama. They were also new swingers and they were constantly trying to sleep with everyone in the friend group by initiating in the creepiest way not taking no easily as an answer.

I had a "friend" who turned out to be a super aggressive bully any time he didn't get his way. I worked with the guy and he got super hostile and weird at work when I couldn't solve an IT problem for him. No apology, ever. He just kept doubling down.

I have more stories but learning that you don't have to put up with everyone is an amazing tool in your social toolbox that no one teaches you.

Some examples/experiences:

• they enabled the rape of another dear friend of mine by being a passive bystander
• they wouldn't stop using the n-word
• they voted for a political party with roots in Hitler's SS
• they slept with my girlfriend multiple times
• they took advantage of me sexually
• they were transphobic
• they were racist
• they stopped contacting me and/or responding to my messages

These are all different people. I'm sure there are more people that I have dropped for other reasons too. The ones that were hard to drop were the ones that I loved, either platonically or romantically. The ones that were easy to drop - and who coincidentally also had values that I could not stand by - I probably wasn't very close to.

They're heavy, my hands are slick with sweat, and my grip on the edge of the cliff is failing. They tell me that it's okay to let them go and save myself before twisting their wrist out from between my fingers and all I can do is watch in horror as they plummet into the darkness.

Mine is pretty simple. If you do something with the intention of harming someone else (self-defense excepted), I will not be your friend.

If you are the aggressive, proud, vengeful or petty type, I’m not going to wait for me to do something that you find justifiable to use that same energy against me. If they did it to someone else, they’re capable of doing it to me.

any reason you want.

it doesn't have to be so extreme. lots of time it's just getting older and making different life choices/interests.

i lost most older friends the past few years because they decided to go off the deep end, and I didn't want that insanity in my life. and i find it hard to make new ones because so many people are drowning in their own sorrows and I'm chilling enjoying my hobbies without shame, god forbid.

I used to like, make friends based on hobbies and media etc. but basically nobody I meet anymore reads, watches movies, or has any opinions anymore that aren't insane. like, if i want to watch Game of Thrones for fun it doesn't mean I'm a morally bankrupt person, but in 2026, that's the kind of shit people say/think.

Dropping people has always been hard for me. Somebody could shit all over me, and I'd forgive them and invite them to do it again the next day.

I don't often talk with my best longest friends, but we always just pick up where we left off, even if it's been years since we connected.

It has to be something that permanently changes the way I view them to an extent that I find intolerable. Some acts, while bad, might not always be that surprising considering who they're coming from. Then the question is rather to myself as to why they are my friend in the first place and whether the trade-off is worth it.

I had a kid I met when I was homeless for a while. He was a regular fixture in my life and a ton of fun to be around. But about 5 years later he had his wife and a girlfriend pregnant at the same time. He already had two children with the wife (and when the first one came along when they were dating I had told him "Don't get her pregnant"), couldn't hold a steady job, possibly had other iligitimate children, and was living in a crappy nasty motel but he had a game console (can't remember if it was a PS3 or Xbox 360) and a TV to game on so he didn't care.

I told him I couldn't have that in my life anymore, every time something went wrong he would do something stupid. Last I heard the girlfriend was going to move back to get family in Florida, he ended up going who knows where for a while then ended up back in town for a little bit around the time I was moving away. The wife had family there so is likely still in town. I kinda Facebook stalked him a couple months ago (through my other half as I don't actually use Facebook) and found he is likely living in Georgia and working for a traveling carnival.

He was probably the last person I knew and called a friend. It's been a little over 15 years.

Lost one because he had multiple allegations of SA surface against him. Not a hard decision.

Great question, Toasticus@piefed.social.

I don't have any friends at the moment and have not for a long time because I find most people aren't interested in friendship at all; they are interested in passing the time and think friends are a form of entertainment. At best, romance and family are the only things that matter to them. Friends are disposable.

Or, if they are interested in friendship, it is after a perilous courtship period with no guarantee at the end.

I would caution you about this, though:

If you just push someone away all of the time and leave them in dormancy where their mind tends to wander into places it shouldn’t [...]

Your friends are not responsible for where your mind goes. You can fault them for not being supportive, sure, but your mind is 100% your responsibility, and if you can't find friends to help you, try to figure something else out.

I’ve lost touch with people over the years, but the only person I’ve considered a friend that I actually dropped stole a phone from my younger sibling. I got it back and didn’t talk to them ever again.

Its hard to say. I technically have never really ended any but sorta have. One was not like a close friend but regularly hung out. Heck he was kinda the central guy to the group. He was a "typical" guy and by that I mean he had that marrying kind philosophy and would talk about scoring with chicks easily because they were fat. It was bad enough but as a guy you would have to really limit your associations if you cross all of them out. They usually are part of a crowd but not good close friends. Anyway he had a sister and she had a friend and we hung out at his house so like they would sometimes hang with us if we had an interesting enough activity like a game or movie. He had a brother too in the group. Anyway the moment his sisters friend turned 18 he pounced on her. She was kinda inexperienced and naive and he completely bullshitted her and used her in a mean way. Its something hard to relate because like Im not privy to what they are doing in private but you can tell. Dumped her after his fun and it like ruined her relationship with his sister (I think the thing here was his sister likely told her she is crazy and should not get involved with her brother and then washed her hands of the situation). Anyway it was just aweful. Might as well have been my sister. Just avoided hanging out with the group if it looked like he was present and eventually we got older and it gets pretty hard to see people you like so avoiding is a peace of cake. Got invited to his wedding though ironically and since other people I know had ended up going but that is the last time I saw him.

On a different note I had a close friend but we were kinda different morality wise. Thing is he kinda, I think, used me as a sort of morality measuring stick. To see what was to uncool/not ok. As such it was like he liked to dance in the grey areas and was always kinda feeling out my line. It was maddening. Well one day he got pissed at me for not doing something I said I would do for him. Basically I flaked but I had just started dating a girl so I hope some of you get how that can be. Anyway he "broke up" with me. Later when he cooled down he wanted to hang again but im like. no im good. funny thing is he predicted someday we would not be freinds in this type of situation because it is how I am. I tend to be a person who gives folks a lot of rope (in real life anyway) but if they want to hang themselves on it that is fine with me. Oh he also was wierd with chicks (and workplaces) but he was the kind that did not like not being in a relationship. So he will start a new one if he can before ending the first and honestly im not sure he ever ended the first himself or if he just generally got caught. He would go crazy trying to keep a girl from leaving him though. Get desperate as all out. It was kinda sad. The worse they treated him the more loyal he was but he was always looking to trade up. As I said he was like this with jobs to. Would stick with the crappiest shit and not leave but would leave a great place for an opportunity that ended up being shit.