this post was submitted on 29 Nov 2023
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54
My mom keeps being weirdly partially supportive? (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
12 comments fedilink hide all child comments
 

CW

Ever since I came out to my mom several years ago, she's been supportive on and off, which I don't really understand why she is just sometimes supportive.

When I first came out to her, she told me she was proud of me, and then minutes later she told me that I would be ugly and never find love. She's never purposely misgendered or deadnamed me though. Although for a while after I came out she was mourning me and acting like I had died and it was really weird and creepy to me at least, but about 2 years after that she told me that she finally sees me as her daughter.

When I had asked her if I could get puberty blockers or estrogen she told me no, which I had asked her that many times. So I decided to save up and finally this year at 20 I got HRT, but then she suddenly decided that she wanted to pay for it and that made me a bit upset because if she was going to pay for it then I could have gotten earlier, but I still appreciate that she is paying for it.

I had asked her if I could get voice training lessons a few years ago she was very adamant about me not doing them. Recently I have decided to do voice training on my own and the other night she complemented my voice and then tonight she told me that I actually sound like an alien and that my masc voice is perfect. We were good for a while and I thought she was done with being unsupportive occasionally but I guess not. I don't really know what I'm feeling rn, I guess disappointment and maybe sadness idk.

This what my voice sounds like rn if you were curious: https://on.soundcloud.com/hsR5W

This link isn't working in some of my lemmy clients for some reason. If it's not working for you you might have to paste it into Firefox.

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[–] [email protected] 20 points 11 months ago (2 children)

Is your mom bipolar?

[–] [email protected] 34 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (2 children)

When I first came out to her, she told me she was proud of me, and then minutes later she told me that I would be ugly and never find love.

As someone with a diagnosis of bipolar, this isn’t how bipolar works. Even with rapid-cycling, which I have, it takes a couple of days for a mood shift to occur, not a couple of minutes. In my opinion, this is more likely to be a personality disorder (eg narcissism, borderline) than a mood disorder.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago)

Could possibly be personality disorder, I have one myself and the way its described sounds plausibly similar to borderline. However, these specific instances would probably be far overshadowed by other ones. Personality disorders tend to result in a lot of prolonged emotional extremes, especially borderline. It's impossible for anyone to tell from a single lemmy post, not unless OP has had other experiences with her that are similar. I think there's another more likely answer though.

She could also be a woman with internalized bigotry and trouble reconciling her love for her child with her bigoted views of transgender people. Hatred, internalized or otherwise, tends to make people say very irrational and horrible things. I'd say barring any other evidence of mental illness, this explanation is probably the correct one.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 months ago

As somebody with schizoaffective, which is similar to bipolar, I can definitely get those extremely rapid cycling mood swings over the course of just minutes. According to my psychiatrist, this is, in fact, a very common experience.
The smaller mood swing's magnitude is affected by the larger ones though. Like being in a depressive phase, if I snap aggressively, I'm more likely to follow that up by crying and apologizing after, whereas in a manic phase I'm more likely to abruptly completely ignore it minutes later and now act like you're my best friend.
I can't speak for if that's a normal thing in bipolar, but it's definitely a thing in schizoaffective, and is dramatically more common when a major life event stresses me out.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 11 months ago

I honestly would not be surprised if she was. As far as I am aware she does not have a diagnosis for it.

[–] [email protected] 9 points 11 months ago* (last edited 11 months ago) (1 children)

Not to drag you for it publicly, the voice is rough, but with only 2 weeks of practice of course it would be. I recall about 3 years into my transition (and 6 total years of practice in) my brother said hey you sound a lot better. And I was like, thanks? He went a super long time not commenting on it and then dropped that on me lol.

Anyway sorry you're going through that. Parents all deal with this in uniquely shitty ways. Best you can do, IMO, is enforce boundaries:

I don't want to be talked to this way. You're being judgemental rather than supportive. When I asked for help before, you coldly rejected me. At this rate I will fully lose trust in you and stop listening to you entirely. This is the one and only warning. If you keep up your erratic and insulting behavior I will stop talking to you. (Last bit works better if you're fully independent)

[–] [email protected] 10 points 11 months ago (1 children)

Yeah I figured it would be rough but to me it still sounds a lot better than my old voice. And that is good advice for how to talk to her, thank you for the feedback.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 11 months ago

No problem. Obviously won't do any good if you don't apply consequences, so whatever you decide to say stick to it.

[–] [email protected] 7 points 11 months ago

Not out to my mom, but I deal with similar issues. Sometimes she's clearly tries to be supportive and other times the opposite. In her case, I think how much she's been drinking is a decent predictor. Additionally, I think she has her own gender issues.

Sorry you have to deal with that.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 11 months ago

So I'm not sure how much you care about the opinion of someone who is not Trans and has no friends who are, but here is my hot take.

Your mother was raised with certain expectations. For decades she was taught boys are a certain way, and anything else is weird and should be suppressed and resisted.

Maybe I can explain better like this - here is what I would say to your mother, assuming I understand the situation correctly.

Mom, I don't know what you really think or feel, but the way you have acted at times makes me think you were hoping this was just a phase for me. That I might "change my mind" and go back to being "normal". I can tell you love me and want to support me, but it feels like you are holding back because you are hoping i will get over it or something.

This is who I am. I couldn't change back if I wanted, and I don't want to anyways. I love you and I know you love me. I just wish you could get over the awkwardness of accepting who I am so it doesn't feel like you are so conflicted on showing me all your love. I try to remember that this hasn't been easy for you either, but I can't help but sometimes feeling hurt by the way you only seem to sometimes support my decisions.

Again, I love you and know you love me, I just wanted you to know how I'm feeling and what it seems like from my perspective. Please talk to me if you are confused about anything I am going through. I will try and remember that this hasn't been easy for you either.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 11 months ago

Obviously I don't have the entire picture, and as such can only speculate.

If I were to do that, I'd say that your mother has conflicting thoughts and feelings. On the one hand she cares for you, wants to be supportive and knows that this is your own decision - on the other, she dislikes and has a hard time accepting it. For the sake of the former, she tries to put her opinions behind her, but sometimes fails to do so (perhaps tied to mood?).

I have a similar situation with my mom, but instead regarding choice of career. It feels hurtful, and might never go away entirely. How you deal with that is up to you.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 11 months ago

My mom has done this with me a lot, I've been adamant all of the way and if I wasn't she just never would've supported me. I know she loves me but also it's weird that sometimes she tries to deeply validate me and sometimes she just insults what I want to do.

Likely a personality disorder though, my mom herself is not very mentally stable but I wouldn't change her for any other mom.