"I almost wanted to post my thoughts and concerns over lemmy, until I realized that it was way too fucking long, so I got really angry and crushed a bottle of water that was near me, I wanted to punch a wall, but the bottle came in clutch. I am so fucking angry right now, I am fucking, RAGE."

There's no hope left for me. My health is in rapid decline, I have fibromyalgia, my limbs hurt every time I try to move them, my neck and shoulders hurt all the time too. I can't open my mouth all the way to the end, because my jaw would get stuck. I cannot speak for more than 20 minutes or so, because my throat will start to ache for hours. My eyesight is in decline, my glasses are so strong that I am starting to see edges being blurred or light behaving in strange ways. And that's only my physical health. If I was to start to talk about my mental health, paragraphs upon paragraphs would not even begin to describe my experience. In every waking second, I am in extreme pain.

For context, I live in the middle east, seeking help is not an option, making friends is not an option, I have tried many times, and decided not to. It would take about 5 or 6 years for me to even begin to see a chance of escaping this, this sickness, this place, this wasteland. So why hope? Hope for what? Everyday, my health is playing dice with me, one day I will snap, and I have snapped many times. I do not know what I will do. I have tried many ways to alleviate my "problems". I have tried meditation, and it works for a certain degree, I have tried music, and it works for a certain degree, I have tried journaling, and it is possibly the reason why I still haven't killed myself. If not for my journal and my music, I would be dead. But tonight, tonight, I have the overwhelming urge to end it. I joke many times by saying that the only reason why I haven't killed myself is because I do not have the means to do. There aren't high buildings around me, using a knife would be dumb as I would just bleed and cry, because oh no survival instincts. Pills are dumb too, as I might just throw up. I can't tie a noose, plus there's a chance of failure that I don't want to deal with.

So here I am, stuck in a limbo of suffering, as I am writing this my arms are begging me to stop typing, so I could stare at the ceiling and focus on their pain.

Here are some random copy and pastes from today's journal entry:

"Each day is more hopeless than the next. My health seems to take its toll more and more. I can't speak, move my limbs, or do anything really. My mouth starts to ache when I speak for more than 20 minutes, my limbs have been discussed extensively in many, many previous entries, my eyes are in decline, even my hearing is starting to show signs of decay. That leaves me with my brain, which is also fogged and clouded."

"I am in a very bad shape, I don't know what the future has for me. My only task right now is to survive one year of high school, I have to, I am not trying to agitate your anxiety, but the more you fail school the more years you will be stuck here. I am sick, like literally, physically, sick of this place. This place shall only bring suffering and ruin upon me.

"This place is like a void, the more I stay in it, the more it sucks out of me. I am certain that if I stay here any longer, I will kill myself."

"Chances are astronomically high, that the more I stay here, the more likely I am to kill myself."

"This place is a sickness, a plague, a fucking wasteland of carrion and decay."

"I am destroyed, I am spent, I have no energy left, no energy to think, no energy to listen, no energy to speak, no energy to plan my suicide. I wish, I wish... That all of this somehow goes away. It won't, I have to endure, decrease the pain, and cope in a healthy manner. And I am trying, trying really hard, with what little energy I have."

PS: You know what's funny? Compiling this was actually a very nice distraction, but that's what it is, a distraction, a very short one.

Art is by azaza0727