At three months, my son started smiling. That's when it got way easier. The post partum spouse care can be so hard - especially when there are complications.

Do you have any family (parents, siblings, in laws) you can ask for help? We basically had live in help for the first two months, I don't know if I could have done it without them.

Bonding happens over time no worries. But do try to relax a little more. When all you have is stress you cannot possibly enjoy the experience. Also thinking of the kid as a little you makes sense.

I didn't want kids. Shit happened. It took about 18 months for me to feel anything for my kid. Those 18 months were a war against sleep deprivation and time deprivation. The wife left a year or two later. Left my kid with me. Single dad shit for the next, well, going on 25 years now. It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. I'm still sick with guilt bringing a kid into this fucked up world, but I love my kid.

This doesn't help you, but I also got a vasectomy about 6 months after he was born. I should have done it earlier. My advice to anyone is, don't have fucking kids. Get a vasectomy ASAP and live your life. Unless you come from big time old money, or get incredibly lucky, kids just add incredible stress and money drain for a minimum of a couple of decades.

I guess the best thing to do would be to publish your experiences to other people. You're in this now, but you can prevent others from making the same choices if you inform them about what it entails. That will make you feel better because you're contributing sth to the world. :)

I have kids, 3 of them, did not want any. It gets better! It's normal to not fall instantly in love with them, even for the mother. It's a new person in your life and require that you adapt and change a lot of things.

It's not clear from your post what is exactly going on with your wife but postpartum syndrome is a reel thing and may be affecting her.

If you need help reach out to family and friends if that's possible. Depending on where you are in the world you may be able to find local support for new families, or even dad support groups.

Just to chime in to add to the anecdotal stats. I really didn't feel anything with our firstborn until they were about 6 months old and started to develop a personality and was able to actually interact. I don't think I really felt a bond until like 9 months.

Maybe thats rare, but maybe not. I feel like most guys think they're supposed to feel something magical right away and just say that they do so they don't fell like an asshole explaining that they don't feel a connection right away.

I really want to love this kid and being a dad but at this point it's a job and I hate my job even though I'm killing it in the effort game.

You will love your kid, don't worry about that. Maybe you already do. There is no ah-ha moment, so it's hard to tell. It's not the same feeling as loving a significant other or a parent. It's something else entirely and you've never experienced it before, you probably don't realize you have it. My wife was the same way, took her a bit, but she loves it now.

You are killing it in the effort game. You've done an amazing job so far. Frankly, if what you say is true, you're making most of us look pretty bad, myself included. Be proud. Also get your mom to help. From an evolutionary perspective, that's what grandmas are for, so don't feel bad asking for help.

I never truly wanted to have a kid for a whole list of reasons including climate change, growing instability, feeling like I already don't have time to do the things I want to do, not feeling like I have my shit together (on paper I do, but I don't feel like that), not understanding what it means to be "happy"...stuff like that.

First, you're exactly the type of person who should be having a kid. So many intelligent, good, empathetic, introspective people choose not to have kids because of the reasons you listed, but let's be honest, they're scared little bitches. You're not one of them anymore. You have a living, breathing stake in the future and you have your shit together because you had a kid on purpose. Could your shit be more together? Perhaps. Does it need to be? No. Your shit is good enough. People in worse situations have kids and it works out.

If you and people like you didn't have kids, then the only people having kids would be... bad. It would be bad and we can't have that. So thank you, there will now likely be another good, intelligent, empathetic, and introspective person to take your place someday.

Second, I don't know what it means to be happy either but I don't care. I think that makes me happy in some way. But who knows, all I know is I'm not sad, and that's good enough for me.

Third, you'll be able to do the things you want to do. Things are a bit busy at the moment but as others have said it'll get easier. Your wife will continue to recover (but beware post partium depression) and your kid will get more and more capable. It happens fast.

Lastly, ask yourself why the crying bothers you so much? If it's just the volume, then wear ear protection. That helped me. If it's not the volume, then what is it?

Took me 3 months after birth to even start feeling different. I think men are slower than women with this.

I didn't have much connection with my kids when they were young. I mean... babies are not very interactive.

Basically every year got better as they turned into awesome people. The youngest is a few years from leaving, and every moment I have with him is a treasure.

Hate to put it this way but my read is in ten years you and that kid are going to be pretty close and I kind of doubt you'll still be with your SO.

Kind-of-not-caring-that-much is a pretty normal dad thing like others have stated. You show up, you be yourself, you do what you gotta do, there's no single "clouds open up and your entire brain floods with dopamine and seratonin while angels sing YOU'RE A DAD YOU'RE A DAD" moment.

But the fact that you can just be kind of normal turns out the be one of the things your kid likes about you. They start following you around or spending time with you to get some time away from Mom. They bring you little problems and you get to teach them things about the world.

And then you blink and they're a teenager and suddenly they're too cool to say "I love you Daddy" anymore and you aren't prepared for how much that hurts.

So anyway that's how it happens. Btw for what it's worth, I don't think it was just tiktok brainrot that gave your SO rose colored glasses about parenthood: evolutionary biology has its own ways to compel women to want to have babies just like it has its own ways to compel men to go along with it. That's... why we're all here.

First rule of parenthood: You have to want it.

You broke that rule. And yes, it sucks. But it's self inflicted.

The magic of holding your kid and feeling that connection either happens or it doesn't. Don't stress about it. It's normal regardless. It may be triggered by parenthood, but it's a personality trait.

You and your kid are practically strangers stuck with each other. You don't have to like each other, but you have to work together for the years to come. Over time, you'll grow comfortable with the other's presence and quirks. As the parent, you have the leading role, however over time that dynamic will slowly shift.

The point of this challenge you have so carelessly self-inflicted is to grow as a person through it. You don't have to know if you can complete the journey on your own, but whether you can accept your kid as a constant companion and strive to do so together.

You're the dad now. What did your dad do and what can you do better? Can you reach where he climbed or can you surpass him? And in doing so, will you understand him better as the person he was? Finally, what kind of person will you want your son to see in his heart should he ever attempt to make the same journey?

You've started to climb a mountain. It will be tough, there will be mistakes and nobody knows what you'll find along the way if anything, but as you've already noticed, all that waits behind you now is an unpleasant fall into an abyss you'll have to crawl out of eventually. And that will suck a lot more.

Good luck, pops! You're a role model now!

It gets better, I really didn't connect with my oldest until he was almost 9 months. It's tough now with the lack of sleep and all the other stuff that comes with a newborn.

It is weird, but one of the fulfilling things about being a parent for me was a sense of purpose. There is a lot to do and objectively good and bad outcomes. In some sense, part of my affection comes from singularity of purpose.

The number one piece of advice a number of dads have given me is: if you don't want kids, don't have kids. I would add to this: if you don't feel ready for kids, don't have kids. And your situation is exactly why this advice applies.

I recommend leaning on your social networks for help with childcare. Your mom likes the baby? Great! She can take care of them 2 nights per week while you catch up on everything and find some sanity.

Your wife forced you to have a baby. Force her to seek more help. Recruit her friends and family if you need to. She wanted this, but you are doing all the work. She needs to get her shit together so she can help out.

Sorry dude, but you've basically blown up your life for the next decade. If you don't really like the kid by then, probably the best case is to get a divorce and bounce. Pay child support. Take the kid in a cool trip once per year. Then you can live the life you want, and the kid won't go through puberty with a dad who resents them around all the time.