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Where Have All My Deep Male Friendships Gone?
(www.nytimes.com)
You guys have friends?
#workplaceproximityassociates
I had those pre-pandemic. Nowadays, with working from home, I basically only hang out with my wife.
I've struggled my entire life with male friends. They all seemed to really appreciate how I would listen to them and their problems. Yet when it came time for me to open up, they would just turn the conversation back to about themselves or just skip past what I was trying to talk about.
I've never been competitive and rarely had the energy to make myself heard. It all felt so shallow and there was no depth to these relationships. It didn't feel worth the effort to put up a with the fight.
I'm very fortunate that a number of women, who have come and gone in my life, were able to listen or guide me in so many important ways. Even with my newest friend, she has been showing me new ways to open up and feel safe.
It makes me a bit sad that I've never really had men in my life who could show me how to open up the same way women have. It would be so much easier to relate since we would have similar experiences growing up as men. With my female friends, I can only relate with them so far. They are women, I am not.
The hurtful things that men have said to me and the hurtful things they have done to me makes it incredibly hard for me to make male friends now. I wish that weren't the situation. I absolutely crave variety, diversity and connection.
As a woman with a few close male friends that I love very much, I wish it was more ok to hug and hold hands with them. I wish that friends, regardless of gender, could be close.
For some reason, in America, we just assume some kind of sexual attraction or relationship when people have any kind of physical contact.
But, man, sometimes I just want to hug my best friend when we're both going through it. Sometimes, I just want to hold hands for the comfort of knowing that we've got each other. There's nothing more to this want. It's as simple as that. But it feels like an impossible dream for society to ever accept this.
So I don't. And it hurts.
I dream of a day when men and women can all open up freely to each other, equally and without stigma. And a day when we can all comfort each other without rumors or questions.
I met someone at a Halloween party last year. She's queer. In the short time we've known each other, we've become very close.
We seem to have similar minds and are very generous with the space we give each other when it comes to being ourselves. Not physical space but in an understanding way. For example, I know she's terrible at time management so I never pressure her for being late but I'm also able to do things that can encourage her to be less late. She ends up spending more time doing the things she enjoys without the pressures or guilt of being late.
That sort of space has created this feeling of comfort and safety between us. She feels safe and comfortable with me and shows it all the time. She tells me she loves me all the time. She gives me the tightest hugs all the time. She rests her head on my shoulders or leans into me while we are sitting next to each other. None of this is sexual but it is very much full of love. Other people seem to notice too. Some people have called us cute. Others just seem to smile more and are happier when we are around. It feels really nice.
As a person who is very difficult to touch and does not touch other people very often, this has been such a different experience for me. I like it though, it feels so cozy. I wish had more of this throughout my life. I wish others had more of this throughout their lives.
To me it feels as though modern, north American expectations around love are too much and too high. There's so many ways to feel and express love. Love doesn't need to end with sex and marriage. There doesn't need to be an end goal. It can just be love. I'm very greatful to have met someone who can express their love so freely. It gives me a chance to learn more.
I make a concerted effort to hang out with my guy friends. I’m usually the one who initiates hanging out. They all have families and we are childless, so I try to be respectful of their free time (or lack thereof). I’m not shy about my need for male bonding. I suspect most guys who feel isolated aren’t comfortable reaching out to put something on the calendar with their friends.
There was a moment that particularly stood out to me recently. I had a buddy who occasionally shows up to group events. I reached out and asked if he wanted to get beers one on one and we did so. A few hours in, he made a comment that he didn't have other friends where the social time involved talking deeply about life, emotions, and experiences in the manner we were doing that evening. That surprised me, because that's the only sort of friendship that I find meaningful. Decades of therapy has made me uncommonly comfortable talking about my deepest thoughts and that's just normal to me. I think this may be less usual than I'd expected because that's what I seek out in all my friendships; it may be that others stop at a surface level due to discomfort with intimacy.
For what it's worth, I've always been "a few close friends" over "I wanna be liked by everybody" sort of personality, as I'm socially introverted. Anyway, if you're a guy missing your guy friends, make the first move and ask them if they wanna hang out doing something together. They'll probably accept.
Deep relationships happen over years of continued interaction irl
Or sometimes instantly over the internet
It's not gay to tell your friends you love them!
Hug your bros <3
Months will go by between hanging out with friends. Texting is a rare occurance too.
Hanging out at home with my wife is more enjoyable to me.
Well my best male friend died in January now I have none.
I’m sorry you’re in that boat. I’ve experienced it and it sucks. Hang in there.
Thanks taking it day by day.
I was a firm believer that all the really close personal guy friends I'd ever had, I made in high school or before. The idea that as an adult male that I could expect to make another real bond with anyone new, outside of this circle of old friends, was impossible. Until it did. In my mid to early 30s, my dept. merged with his. We had talked a few times while making fun of clueless users forgetting their passwords, so I already knew we would get along as coworkers. He was a groomsman at my wedding many years later.
I know it can seem insurmountable to find meaningful male friendships in mid-upper 20s and 30s, but it does happen. I'm rooting for you friend. Take care of yourself.
Assuming we had friends in the first place - something I haven’t had for about 25-odd years now…
Go find a discord server related to something you like
Just chat with people, text or voice
If you are open and real I'm sure you could make a friend :3
Most of my friends are women, as I only have two close male buddies and a little brother I love. I'm a sentimental guy who likes to yap and preach, and my friends are also sentimental and often want advice, everybody wins! 😅
I dunno, we generally hang out at least once a week and chat more often than that. I guess people don't know how to friendship anymore.
Due to different work schedules and people moving to diffetent parts of the country, I rarely see my friends in person. However, we play dnd over video chay every Monday (except this one because I'm too sick to DM) and we text and play video games. If friendships are important to you, you just have to put a little effort in.
this post was submitted on 26 May 2025
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