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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/throwaway_designer3 on 2025-02-01 18:11:03+00:00.
Throw away account for reasons.
There are moments in a man’s life when he stands at the precipice of greatness, trembling, heart pounding, sensing that the universe has opened a door for him. A door he must walk through. This was one of those moments.
It began, as many things do, with a blowjob. A masterpiece in progress, her hands and lips moving with the kind of focus Michelangelo must have had while sculpting David. But then, she pulled back, met my eyes with a twinkle that promised something new, something forbidden.
“I wanna eat your ass.”
Now friends, I am not a proud man, but I am a man who understands gravity. This was an honor, a privilege, a once-in-a-lifetime event that I knew could either cement my place as a god among men or utterly destroy me.
But there was a problem.
You see, I had spent the day indulging in a reckless combination of black coffee, eggs, and a burrito the size of a small child. A diet of hubris. A meal designed for men who fear neither death nor consequence.
I hesitated. She misinterpreted.
“Don’t be shy”
Oh, but I was not shy. I was terrified. I was a man standing on the edge of a chasm, staring down into the abyss, knowing full well that the abyss was about to stare back.
And so, she’s gone in.
Dear god.
The second her tongue made contact, my body betrayed me. A deep, guttural rumble from the depths of hell itself. A tectonic shift. An unstoppable force meeting an unfortunate face.
I farted.
Not a cute, dismissible puff of air mind you. No. This was the Exxon Valdez of farts. A biological weapon. A sound like a balloon deflating in slow agony.
She recoiled as if she’s been shot. Eyes wide, mouth… well, open.
“Dude”
And just like that, the moment was gone. The universe slammed the door shut, locked it, and threw away the key.
She left the room as I lay there, a man ruined, staring at the ceiling, reflecting on the choices that had led me to this moment.
TL;DR: I let my girlfriend eat my ass, but my digestive system had other plans.