this post was submitted on 05 Jan 2025

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If I had a nickel for every time someone says "this person's being a huge jerk to me but I think they might be neurodivergent" (lemmy.world)

submitted 5 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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Regular reminder that being an asshole is not a symptom of any form of neurodivergence. (You can replace “neurodivergent” with depressed, anxious, bipolar, etc. and the diagram works equally well)

ETA: social faux pas, awkwardness, and genuine symptoms of neurodivergence don’t make you an asshole. I shouldn’t have to say this? An “asshole” is someone who enacts a pattern of abusive, controlling, harassing, and/or harmful behavior with no remorse or concern for how other people are affected.

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[–] [email protected] 4 points 4 days ago

Everyone is an amateur psychologist now

[–] [email protected] 10 points 5 days ago (3 children)

I was in a coffee shop a few years ago and a guy in line was wearing an O.G.R.E. shirt, a way old computer game from 1986.

I said "Nice shirt! Never played that game, though."

Completely delighted, he ranted about his love for the game until my order was ready. And it was a bit hard to get away from him afterward.

This is definitely someone who could've fallen into that category.

But I don't see it that way because I'm also neurodivergent and know people never engage with us like that. Might have made his day.

Just a little story from that borderline in the Venn diagram.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago

I didn't think anyone would have considered that asshole behavior. Annoying, maybe, but that doesn't come across as mean.

I think a better example would be something like a coworker saying "You said you'd send me that information yesterday" which can be interpreted as "hey can you send me that information you mentioned?" OR "hey fucko, you lied to me"

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 days ago

One more post for this thread and then protecting my energy. Topic of great passion, interest and survival for me.

You are not an asshole for protecting your energy from abusive behavior.

The following must not be confused with abusive/asshole behavior:

https://purrfurnax.tumblr.com/post/750391775364104192

Social Ostracization and Bannishment should be a last resort only.

We can do better with communal moderation and conflict resolution.

I reccomend the youtube channel AnRel to address some of the greater nuances

Also, this playlist is something i return to every so often: https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLaOxDnLZqNcmxxkuxTVxYnhrYEOeoTRjP

[–] [email protected] 7 points 4 days ago (4 children)

I try not to be an asshole.

The problem is I am direct and do not sugar coat things. I treat others how I would like to be treated which can be seen as rude. I make an effort to not be that way but it ends up the same.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 4 days ago (1 children)

FYI "not sugarcoating things" is the asshole's mantra for saying anything they want with callous disregard to how its received. Based on displayed attitude in your comment, I sincerely doubt you are as kind as you think.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 4 days ago* (last edited 4 days ago) (1 children)

I'm Autistic which means I tend to miss a lot of social context. It isn't a intentional behavior and I work pretty hard to think though if something might be offensive to someone. I don't like to upset or annoy others it is really bothers me if I upset someone. Most of the time I end up over thinking social interactions which leads me to just sit quietly and avoid talking.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 days ago

As a person with a grab-bag of disorders, I do get it.

I have been on my own journey of going from a great technical communicator, to a great human communicator. There's a big difference that I wasn't able to see before.

One of the things I've discovered is that in irl interactions there is an undesired aspect of "heavy lifting" that has to be done on "your" side. That involves a lot of "listening" to how what you are saying is being received, and then on-the-fly recognizing and adjusting to that.

I used to resent that and feel I shouldn't have to and that other people should be able to "hear" me "plainly" without transforming it through their own emotional framework first. I've since learned that was naive and self-centered of me - A denial-based assumption on how communication works, that honestly for me looking back, was me being lazy.

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[–] [email protected] 3 points 4 days ago (3 children)

It's so hard to tell sometimes. Thinking of a bipolar chap I knew back when. Decent hang most of the time, but really thoughtless and possessive at other times.

I still think he was mostly a jerk. Mostly.

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[–] [email protected] 7 points 5 days ago (1 children)

I have, like, three stacks of neurodivergence, but I also have some sense of altruism and am aware of my limitations. So, in order to avoid imposing myself too much on people and ending up as an involuntary jerk, I just avoid interacting with others as much as possible, just in case.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago

I wish you would be friends with me instead

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 days ago

To an extent ya. You need to take responsibility for yourself. But also if I interrupt someone constantly that's not bc I want to

[–] [email protected] 2 points 4 days ago

Being an asshole is occasionally a symptom of me not being consistent enough with my anxiety meds though unfortunately. But I'm generally really apologetic afterwards when I realize and it doesn't happen often and only for a few days typically.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago (3 children)

If I had a nickel for every time someone says "this person's being a huge jerk to me but I think they might be neurodivergent"

Then I would have zero cents

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[–] [email protected] 5 points 5 days ago

Yeah I've got plenty of issues but I manage to not be a dick, kinda feels like those are separate categories as far as the whole mental space goes.

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