Asklemmy

This comment ^ is the best advice. In all conflicts, it is of the utmost importance that you stay calm.

However, keep in mind that this will often infuriate or enrage an aggressor. Often an aggressor is endeavoring to provoke you so that you lash out first. When you lash out first, you lose.

I have always had a huge difficulty controlling my emotions in these situations, and so I always tried to avoid conflict. Now, I am married, and so conflict is unavoidable. It is imperative that I control how I react and respond.

I still struggle with this. I actually wish that I had some coaching on how to manage my anger, but I have had to deliberately get better with practice, and it has been hard, and sometimes even embarrassing.

Edit: One thing that I have found that helps sometimes is explaining to an aggressor why you are feeling angry immediately as you feel yourself getting angry. If something is said that hurts or offends, say so. Say, "You said that I do X, or that I am Y -- that feels unfair, inaccurate, and maybe even as though you are intentionally trying to hurt me. I wish you would find a different way to say that."

If the conflict is with a person operating in good faith, this often leads directly to an apology. If not, then you might be dealing with someone who is in fact intentionally trying to provoke you. There is no need to disclose your feelings further to such a person, but it can still be helpful to understand the nature of the attacks from which you are defending yourself.

A+ advice. I was not taught great conflict resolution skills as a kid and have some neurospiciness that makes regulation challenging at times, but my meds help and I think I’m better equipped emotionally these days than I tend to think of myself as or give myself credit for. Thank you for the advice, this is all A+ insight.

Nothing wrong with this. Professional and concise, like every email should be.

Great advice

This hits close to home. When I was candid about the fact that it took some courage to speak up about something that needed pushing back on, I got called a “scaredy cat” 🙄

Mostly a new manager on our team causing issues (not my manager, half our team is her side of the org chart, my half of the team is a different skillset & manager.) She is not my bosses boss either. For some reason she is convinced she is both of those (boss of the whole team.) For context this is a very small team with full time focus on a special subsidiary co of one if my employer’s main clients. We are six people total, so theres no avoiding her. The rest of us do have and have always had a great dynamic and working relationship, but this woman respects nothing but the sound of her own voice, has no idea how to listen or compromise, doesn’t know wtf she’s doing, and thinks she’s going to bully everyone into doing things her way regardless.

If she has any experience in our industry, its very outdated. This does not stop her from being convinced she knows better on how this team works than all of us who’ve been on it for over a year. Lots of weird petty authoritarian control issues. Fixating on tardiness (its not a formal policy, but we work in a “younger” field and have always operated on a “as long as your deadlines are met, nobody cares if you’re running late” policy. This has become a whole crusade for her.

We have a short daily status call and try to all meet in person for it every Wednesday. She tried to insist these calls need to be in person everyday were in office (we hybrid.) Weve already pushed back on it, now she’s insisting these calls become video conferences 🙄 presumably so she can confirm we’re all at our desks on time.

Trying to make a lot of arbitrary (and sometimes counter productive) changes to processes shes not involved in, signing my half of the team up for ad hoc special projects from other teams for brownie points for herself, etc.

None of this would be so terrible if my actual boss weren’t utterly paralyzed by confrontation. He claims he’s biding his time until she really steps out of line, but I think he just has no back bone. Confronting authority figures (actual or imaginary as in this case she’s not my real boss) is stressful to me, but once I initially broach the topic, I do okay and keep it professional/constructive, so I’m trying to pick my battles because we’re all sick of being bullied by this idiot and I’m tired of waiting on my boss tk say something.

So I already pushed back on some of her unreasonable demands already, and essentially I’m trying to ready myself for more little skirmishes even though it scares the shit out of me. My boss has assured me she has no authority over me and the org chart shows that plain as day, I’m just not used to telling someone who is technically higher ranking than me no in polite and tactful ways when appropriate. This team has been such smooth sailing (interpersonally) up until now.

Thank you!

it can save you a lot of heart ache

*headache

Was probably what you meant

But I’m very sociable amd not shy with conversation!

I am the “averse” one- meaning, I have a hard time setting firm boundaries, struggle with gathering the courage to say no, etc. The person in question I’m having to push back against is kind of passive aggressive/manipulative, but seems very confrontational.

These links are excellent! Thank you!